Not sure I get it. Did you feed the urge.
If so then this corresponds with the times I've been functioning reasonably ok, knew I had a problem with alcohol. I felt that drinking was not a good idea but I was free to do it but if I knew what I know now about my particular yets to come, I'd drop the ambivalence right now. and then learn to live with reality. The best way I know of doing that is to study reality with a clear mind. ie no booze. get over 'wrong thinking'. ' wrong actions'. I also found/find it beneficial to seek some balance through moderation. Study. Trying to not pick up the first one with determination. Awareness.