The emails have started. Need some advice.
As many of you know, I left on a vacation that my ex was supposed to go on with my daughter and I without him. Our history is long and is the roller coaster ride you all know well. I was embarassed to post here again after doing so well without him for so many months. I felt better, stronger and emotionally healthier. Then, we came back in contact, he was off drugs for what I thought was a long time (wrong) and was the same person I knew once before (wrong again.) Wow, was I a fool. It's like I erased from my memory all the horrid things that he had done in active addiction just because he seemed to be the person I knew years before. Wrong! Like all of your stories, things seemed so great at first until...
Everything came crashing down a few weeks before vacation. Funny how in the truth will always reveal itself. Years ago I would snoop, go through phone, etc. Didn't need to this time. Put his coat on to go outside to smoke, reached in for a lighter, and pulled out Adderall, Vicodin and Xanax. Of course, "those have been there for a few weeks now" (B.S.), the next day when he was nodded out it was "I haven't been getting alot of sleep (um, that would be called too much Xanax buddy), on and on. Best part is I remained calm which in the past I wouldn't have and told him I wasn't angry and it was his relapse to deal with.
The week before vacation I was on a work trip and we talked about why he relapsed, why he felt he needed to take those pills, on and on and on. I would find out the days before this vacation he was on drugs the entire time we were having this talk! He had been on drugs on and off for months, continually relapsing, lying, manipulating and all the other wonderful traits that go along with addiction.
Last Friday night we went to see my friend's band play. I have my own confessions to make here. I knew he was on drugs but I also knew he left his phone in my car. My old behaviors came back full force. I went back to my car while he was helping my friend pack up his band equipment and riffled through his phone. Of course I found what i already knew.....calls to drug dealers, texts, etc. He came to my car and went ballistic. I kicked him out of my car, refused to drive him home and he ended up walking. This is after he physically ripped my jacket to get his phone back. I know I shouldn't be riffling through someone's phone and many of you have already told me in the past to not do it.
Saturday and Sunday were a disaster. I realized there's no way I can bring this person on this vacation. In the past I would have let it happen and in the past almost every vacation was ruined because of him coming off drugs, wanting drugs or being on drugs. At least I had enough sense to prevent this.
Sorry for the long post but I feel like I need to give some history here. Like some of you I was foolish enough to think even after the recovery I mistakingly thought I had for myself, things were going to be ok. He is not ok and obviously I will never be ok with him. He is nowhere near recovery and the risk is too high he will never find it. Yesterday after 6 days of being on vacation, his emails started filing in last night. This is what they say.....
"I didn't want to bother you while your on vacation and all but im really sorry for everything that went down. You asked me if I got your voice mail that morning and no I did not I still cant access it for some reason my password doesn't work anymore. Im sure you have a million reasons not to speak to me again and that is understandable.I do miss you and I promise ill cover you for the airfare I wasted I know you work hard for the money you earn and things are tight.I hope to hear back from you even if there is someone else in your life ok. There is much more I want to say I just wasn't really wanting to bum you out while you were in Florida "
Someone else in my life? OK what is he talkign about?!?! This is what he started texting me before I left for vacation. He claims someone told him that I was seeing someone else. Really? OK. Is this major delusion?
Several hours later I get "With all the lies I have pushed on you it is clear why things have ended so badly. Its as if my personality itself is part of the problem. I dont feel like I even have much purpose anymore. Is it weird to want to reinvent myself. From the first time I saw you I was moved and even till this day I have the same feelings. Im so very sorry for all the lies and hurtful things I have said. I think alot of what you say has been misunderstood."
In the past I would have immediately started responding. His subject like was "Can we talk". I blocked his calls before I left so he can't call me but there's no way for me to block email addresses from my work email and he knows that. I'm not responding to him while I'm here. I'm not ruining the last day of my vacation. However, I do have some important belongings of his at my house including his work briefcase with important paperwork in it that he needs to have back. Part of me thinks I should just email him back Sunday night, tell him I left that briefcase on my deck and tell him where he can get it and just leave it at that! Part of me wants to know where all this crazy info is coming from about me beign with someone else? Did someone really tell him that? Or is that some crazy conjured up story? Should I even care?! These emails are such a crock of sh--t!