A little more insight for you.
I'm currently struggling with the concept that if you want something out of the marriage you need to put it into the marriage.
I read something that I found quite profound;
"Most people get married believing a myth; that marriage is a beautiful box
full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, romance, sexual
fulfillment, intimacy, friendship, laughter, financial security.
The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put some things into it before you can take anything out of it.
There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into their marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to put it into their relationship.
A couple must discern what things work to improve their relationship and form
the habits of communicating, giving, sacrificing, sharing, loving, touching,
serving, and praising. In other words, keeping the box full. If you take
out more than you put in, the box will always be empty!"
As an ACOA I've always only put into the box when I've expected to get something of equal or better value out. Putting things into the box without expecting anything in return was just not in me. The thought never occurred to me that I should. The parental relationship with an alcoholic teaches disappointment. You don't do nice just to do nice. you do nice to get what you need or want. It's all about the manipulation. There is lots of manipulation in an alcoholic home. And I brought those traits into adulthood.
I now see that I need to risk putting things into that box, and not expect things in return. I need to trust that as long as I keep the box full, what I need is in there. I need to risk the hurt that my wife may not appreciate what I put in. She may take more out than I can put in and she may not put in what I need (or worse, betray me again). If I don't take that risk, I doom our relationship. If I take that risk, I might be hurt (I was hurt over and over as a kid, so this fear is intense and real). But I also might help my relationship become something beautiful for both my wife and I.
First I had to realize what I was holding back and understanding why. Now I need to overcome my fear and mistrust. It's very difficult and I'm doing better, but far from healthy. I'm noticing when I'm being manipulative, I'm apologizing when I see it. I'm taking more time to just hold her. I'm still having trouble verbalizing. Saying tender and loving things feels phony to me, and I don't want to be phony.