Well, it's a new day and I'll echo what tomsteve said, I love you, and I know the others who are posting here do too. The reason we sometimes give such strong responses is because we care so much.
Jeni said a lot of what I want to say and probably what I've said to you before. I know it is scary, okay bloodcurdlingly terrifying! I know you are sitting on a lot of extremely painful emotions and memories and that you fear they will drown you if you feel them without the buffer of drugs or ed. And I know you fear that life will suck without drugs. I know this not just because you've written it in your posts but because I have felt the same things and still do.
I can't say anything that will wave a magic wand for you. All I can do is say what I've been learning from my own journey. It is a long and hard road. There is a lot of pain. There are feelings that have been stuffed for a lifetime. And no new coping skills magically in place.
There is also an unending array of wonderful surprises and miracles. A growing sense of freedom. A burgeoning sense of self-respect. An actual growing desire to want to take care of myself, in ways that are truly caring and not self-harming. I can remember things and can track conversations without having to cover up for my lapses. I can really talk with people and listen, truly interact and not just be thinking about my next chance to sneak off and use. I am rediscovering joy and interest in things I let atrophy and slide while using.
And the absolutely most surprising and best thing of all--my self-hatred is actually healing. This is something that predates my addiction issues and that I thought would never ever change. And I am waking up day after day and not hating myself. And that is incredibly freeing.
And this is so much what I wish for you. I believe in you as do so many of us here. You can do this! And you will reach a place of self-care that you never imagined possible. If recovery wasn't worth it, none of us would stick with it. And none of us would be here trying to urge you to do the detox and really follow through.
I'm the first person who responded to your first post so I guess I feel extra strongly about this. You CAN do it! You have all our hopes and prayers and wishes for you!
Lyoness
