Firepool

so this is my first post here. This is my story, sorry it's kind of long and incoherent; I just need to get some of this off of my chest right away and it's pretty painful to write down.

I'm 22, I've been drinking for about 2 years... like a "normal" drinker at first, but it escalated quickly to a full 750 ml every day. Drinking in the morning, during the day, while driving down the highway to get to school… I was on track for a near perfect GPA, nearly lost my honor's and PTK status my final semester because I was regularly too drunk to do my homework. I had a wonderful internship which turned into a great paying job with plenty of benefits. Always waiting for the day to end so I could get my drink on, show up the next morning hung over. wasted too much time and couldn't always think straight, made too many mistakes and lost the job. Still live with my mother and my girlfriend of 7 years because I can't support myself in this state of being.

I always drink alone; I'm far too sneaky for my own good, and I hide my drunkeness too well. Just yesterday when spending the day on the town with my GF I managed to buy a flask of vodka and drink it without her knowing. It feels terrible to sneak around like that. The only reason she or my mother know is because I manned up and said it. that was more than 2 months ago, I went to the doctor and got a physical and perscription to bupropion. Made it nearly 2 weeks sober and thought I could handle a drink and maybe control it. I slipped right back in to a heavy binge, 750 ml a day. One night after heavy drinking I took a car ride with my GF and had a series of panic attacks. Had to get out of the car and stand there shaking 6 times before I got home. Turns out bupropion and booze can give you panic attacks as well as seizures. Tried going sober for another week or so but by then the bupropion was starting to mess with my head and aggravate some anxiety problem i have so i went off the pill, and soon back in to another binge.

I hate it. the worst feeling in my life is detoxing the next day after an all-day drink. My whole body feels week. so thirsty, can't get enough water. feels like my mind is full of gravel and my conscious mind is dragging along kicking and screaming. Can't stay awake but can't fall asleep. worst feeling in the world.

I hate doing this to my family, after my mom watched the same thing happen to my dad. After my girlfriend has been by my side for so long and supported me emotionally. I hate myself when she realizes I've been drinking and starts crying. I have to be done with this now.