MLC-I follow all your posts. Your story really touches me and I want you to know that I care very much.
I think you are so caught up in your addiction you can't see the bigger picture, so you will need to try to believe those who have walked this path before you who tell you it is possible to get better, it really is.
I'm an alcoholic, I suffered physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse as a child. I have PTSD and problems with disassociation. In the past I had anorexia and did some self-harm. I'm coming to terms with all that, and no it isn't easy. It is hard. No-one waves a magic wand and gets rid of it for us.
But, the first step is to get rid of the drink and drugs because while we take them we can't move forward and are trapped in the fog.
Do what you are advised to do, listen to the professionals and lean on us for support.
Make that promise to yourself and your children that you will do whatever it takes to get better.
You are in my thoughts and prayers xxx