Slm65

Hi, my husband's father was an alcoholic, and very violent. He grew up watching his father who was so nice sober, turn into a mean drunk and yell and curse at his family and beat his wife, my husbands mother. He had a big family, but it seems that instead of comforting each other, they withdrew to their own rooms. It seems like every family get together ended the same, father drunk, beating up mom, older brothers jumping dad.

When we met, he slept with tv and stereo on super loud, I learned later that was how he drowned out the fighting. And his hands tremble for no reason sometimes. One day his mom had enough and stabbed dad. Didn't kill him but they separated. My husband left home and joined military.

I love my husband to death, he is the kindest person you could meet. But he always struggled with emotions, took him a long time to be able to say I love you or be affectionate. We've been married for almost 30 years now, we're young when we go married. I know he loves me, and although I think he drinks to much sometimes, he never gets violent, just moody when he drinks. Like he shuts me out. He sits sometimes with a beer and headphones listening to music from his childhood, like he's isolating himself. Going down memory lane, to really bad times.

Our kids love him, our youngest is 17, but except for her, I can't really say his relationship with them is good. Our daughter is very affectionate with him, but she initiates it, hugs him and he always jokes with her like he doesn't like it, but he loves her for it and they are very close. Our sons, in their 20s he can't be affectionate with and they mainly talk about sports. But when they need advice or guidance, when other dads would jump in and guide, he seems more stressed and irritated, and shys away from that. So I feel like I've been their mother and father. I think he loves them, but sometimes it feels like if one of them died, he would feel nothing.

And anytime i try to communicate when I don't agree with him, he is on the defensive, so either I swallow my feelings or he acts like thinks I'm going to blow a gasket or cause a scene, and flees the scene. So many times too,I have cried about different things and he will just leave me by myself, when all I need is a hug. Which used to make me angry, and he told me he gets scared and doesn't know how to handle it. I've told him several times all I need is a hug, but he just can't seem to do it. Or if he does, I can feel how uncomfortable he is. What bothers me the most though,is his relationship with our sons. His whole family is the same with their kids. If they do something wrong,they will talk behind their backs, they are so afraid of conflict. I figure, it's your kids, why are you so afraid to communicate?

He's always taken care of us materially, gone to work and provided. Never abusive, never cheated. So he's a good man, but now that I'm premenopausal, I am not as patient and I can tell he wants to fix things sometimes but doesn't know how. I spoke to him about going to a support group for children of alcoholics, but he said no.

Thanks for letting me vent...