hm...when i hear you speak about the music...music, higher power...
it reminds me of when i was drinking and so getting INTO the music or the feeling, or being taken OUT of the mundane getting rottenly drunk when i had decided not to...
and how so many people say they drank in order to numb, yet i so often felt i was drinking in order to FEEL, or at the very least that that was a positive i experienced, but what it really reminds me of is how scared i was that i wouldn't be able to feel that way again if i quit. that i wouldn't really feel at all, period. that i would be unable to "access my real inner...".
(truth is, i kept drinking because i'm an alcoholic, but i hadn't really grasped that then)
part of drinking, for me, was that it gave me permission to give myself permission to let go of control and rigidity.
something like that.