Originally Posted by
bemyself 
I believe I know / sense why I go back to picking up - whether it's much later in a day one, like yesterday, or over the previous periods. I am extremely alone; I can't work anymore due to various chronic medical / psych conditions so am on a disability pension; I seem almost incapable of getting out and doing volunteering and / or the other external activities which so many people advise.
Some of this is due to not so much full depression but rather its shady cousin, dysthymia - a chronic, persistent level of very very low motivation. I described it at my first SMART meeting on Friday as akin to a car which has run out of fuel, or more aptly, with a dead spark plug! Lost my mojo, compared to years past, in other words.
I believe you do know, Vic.
I remember drinking while trapped inside my full-body plaster cast for months on end. Couldn't even get out of bed. Not even for the washroom. I drank vodka straight up as often as I could. A 26 oz bottle was a good day. A 40 oz bottle would put my lights out. I was often suicidal. I was also going schizophrenic, and would later be diagnosed as an undifferentiated chronic schizophrenic alcoholic. Disabled. Crazy. Suicidal. Lonely. Angry. And still a teenager. Yeah, I was in bye-bye land.
And still, things got even worse. Mental hospital stay. Night in jail as a robbery suspect. Sleeping in ditches. Black outs. Fights with bouncers. Living like an animal.
Alcoholic insanity. I know it well. Intimately. When you start drinking at 12 to be someone your not, to be anybody but who I really was, life absolutely goes to hell right quick. And now here I am happy, successful, and soberly sane. How awesome is that? The same opportunity is there for YOU too. Hell, yeah!
I understand you, Vic. I wish I could make you get sober. I wish I could make you quit drinking. I can't of course. I could only make myself quit. And now, I can only make myself stay quit. I can't do it for others. None of us can. We're all at best examples of quitting. At worse, we're examples of not quitting. Either way, the responsibility is our own.
You have a raw enough deal, Vic. Still though, quitting drinking can really make a difference. A life changing difference. I've been thru so much in my drinking years, I quit at 24. I had nothing. When I started getting sober, all I was at that point was a burnt out loser. A write-off. Sometimes coming out of blackouts I wouldn't even know my own name. Toasted. I still have enduring and persistent memory difficulties. Whatever.
I'm sober today because I quit drinking. I quit drinking because I didn't want to die drunk. I really didn't care about being sober, and didn't have a clue what sobriety was supposed to be. I just didn't want to be drunk when I died. Quitting almost killed me too. Talk about addiction ambivalence. Man, did I want to drink or what when initially quitting!? Absolutely I wanted to drink. Still though, I didn't ever drink again, and you can do the same quit too. You absolutely can quit drinking. And you can quit today too.
Victoria, we all die sooner or later. You have a wonderful life yet to live. Don't believe the lies your drunken mind is whispering to you. Even though it may look bleak to you sometimes, it would look a million times more livable and doable after some serious quit time experience. Give yourself a break. Don't give up on quitting. Give up on drinking.
Thanks for starting this thread, Vic.
