I hope you won't consider my post 'pressure'.
So, the whole 'happy joyous n free' mantras proclaimed by many recovered people (whom I envy!) kind of don't gain purchase in me. I guess that's what leads me to that moment of 'deciding to drink' as RR / AVRT puts it.
That just doesn't spontaneously happen tho Vic.
I think it takes abstinence first off.
I spent many years aiming for a kind of wry amusement, observing myself going through groundhog day again and again.
Waste of time and talent sure, but who was I hurting?
It was easy to convince myself that nothing was really wrong, but things were wrong.
It's not normal to drink at 9am, and it's not the sign of a happy camper.
I deserve better than to repeatedly destroy myself...I know you do too.
It takes hard work, it takes a little patience and above all it takes a little faith to get out of that...I realise this is the Secular forum but what I mean by that is, if nothing else, faith in that things will get better if we allow ourselves enough time and space to make some changes.
Volunteer work was a game changer for me. I spent 20 years in my own head. It was good to get out.
If you want a sense of purpose, a reason for being then you'll have to find it, Vic, cos none of the rest of us know what you're looking for.
I do know it's not at the bottom of any bottle tho.
D