Darkplace: Your posts ring a bell with me for two reasons. The first is that you seem very sincere in what you say and the way you say it indicates to me that you are really not the dark person you think you are but that when you're not drinking you are a good person at heart. It's the drink that does this to you. As you no doubt know the body takes over the brain, except for the most primitive parts of the brain, which seek to control the rest and urge you to keep the alcohol coming. That's the dark stuff you sense. It is dark and recovery starts when you learn how to get that dark stuff behind you. The second thing I note is your fear of admitting in public that you are an alcoholic. You don't have to do this. But it does help to be able to admit it not in "public" but to other alcoholics. At least it helped me a great deal. For years and years (40 to be exact) I was only going to counselors and it wasn't working. Then I joined AA and admitted to them (that's not public, since it's all anonymous and confidential) what was going on and it gave me a wonderful feeling of relief and companionship as well as support.I really think that made all the difference. I haven't had a drink since and it's been nearly 25 years. Like some others I had some problems with AA but I learned that I could benefit from the best parts and that's what I did. If AA doesn't work there are other recovery programs that you can learn about on this SR website (such as Rational Recovery (AVRT). If you want to you may also send me a private message if there is anything I can do to help. Just click on my avatar or my name at the left side of this posting.
W.