Hi Jill
I am 12 days sober: not a huge amount but I've drunk regularly for 20+ years, since I was v young, so it is changing the habit of a lifetime.
Although I can refuse booze by will power alone I am slowly facing the painful realisation that alot of the time I drank was to escape reality and the emotional hole of never having being loved unconditionally. Unfortunately that's not something I can ever change, and with my mother now passed away, I have to accept that our relationship cannot improve in the future. So there's always part of me that is that lost lonely girl who is never good enough for her demanding, distant, alcoholic mother. I have to accept that loneliness is always a part of me. But it is f*cking hard acknowledging the hole and ache and loneliness and just having to accept that this is my life. It has made it hard for me to trust or get close to anyone else : 'what's bred in is hard to breed out' etc as I never think I'm good enough and don't have that grounded confidence of knowing your mum loved you just as you.
At the moment giving up the alcohol is being done by will power alone as the reality behind my drinking is too painful and I can't just rationalise it or soothe it with kind words or counsellor-speak.
I'm trying to like myself so I don't feel lonely inside then maybe I'll take baby steps in trying to connect with other people but at the moment they can stay at arms length and beyond as I feel far too emotional and vulnerable without the crutch/ escape of alcohol to fall back on when/ if it all goes t*ts-up.
Sorry if my response was more about me than you but this is the first time I've tried to express why I needed drink - and I didn't want to post a thread of my own.
Hope it's useful to you in some small way.
x