I have been down that road so many times, and I have tried to quit so many times. Finally I think that I have started to realize that I am helpless against the addiction. I can`t do this by myself, and I guess that that is the case with all addicts. Could you seek help with your doctor? Find meetings and other people with the same problem? I always thought that if I could just be a better person, if I just was a little stronger, everything would work it self out, but it doesn`t. This is a disease, and the bad things we do is a symptom of our disease. If we can treat our disease the bad things go away, and the only way to do that is to find some kind of help and deal with it.
I wish you all the luck in the worll in your recovery. You can do it!