Accepting my insanity
Today's reading from Hope for Today (page 109) addresses the idea that if I don't first accept that I am insane, then I can't really turn over the restoration of my sanity to my Higher Power.
Thought for the day on the page:
"I can't turn something over until I truly own it."
The story on the page talks about making a list of all the insane things I had done to try to control the addict.
So I'm going to do that here:
- checked his pockets
- counted my Rx pills
- tried to smell his breath
- had tantrums
- sent him snarky texts when I caught him lying or hiding
- cried for hours alone
- cried in front of him
- told him if I had known this before we got married this could have been a potential deal breaker
- checked inside the back of the toilet
- rifled through his things looking for drugs and proof
- tried to kiss him so I could tell if he'd been chewing on pot
- called his debit card to see what his purchases were the night before
- talked about him going to AA
- babied him to try to make him feel better so maybe he wouldn't use
- walked on eggshells to try not to upset him
- hidden my Rx pills
- made him go into the garage while I got my Rx pills out if I needed them
- went without my pain meds because I didn't want to get them or let him know that I was taking one because I didn't want him to ask me for them or for him to get tempted
- raised my voice at him
- called him a drug addict
- given him the silent treatment when we had friends over and he had taken one of my pills
- blamed him for my hospitalization since the stress of his using caused a flare up
- tried to teach him about the nature of addiction and the progressiveness of the disease
- tried to make him feel more loved by doting on him and having sex with him and making him feel special with love notes and meals and all sorts of attention
- daydreamed about calling his mom and dad and one of his friends and telling them about his drug problem
- checked his phone/texts
- made excuses for him to others
- lied to people about why he doesn't drive
- driven him around because I feel sorry for him and the fact that he got a felony DUI several years ago.
- Stayed up late worrying and couldn't sleep.
I'm sure there are more too...
And this only the crazy stuff I've done related to addiction.
My codie ways have been rampant in other areas of our life too that weren't directly connected to my issues with his using.
I definitely need my sanity restored.