My situation was like Ann's. I was the one calling the shots, I was the codependent one, and my husband stood back (he's my son's stepfather but he raised him and son calls him Dad). It probably wold have been better if my husband had stood firm but he says he knows our marriage would have suffered and that was what was ultimately most important to him. I don't know how he had patience. Eventually as he saw me growing stronger in my program he began to firm up some boundaries that helped me stay strong. He's a pretty amazing man.
This is just another example of how true the statement is that addiction is a family disease. Be patient with your wife and remember that it's ok to say what you mean, mean what you say...but don't say it mean.
gentle hugs
ke