I just wanted to share here that in my situation, one of the hardest things that I had to come to terms with was accepting that my AH was actually not a nice person. I have no idea if the good qualities that I saw i the beginning disappeared due to his alcoholism, or if he just hid it really well that he was basically a complete jerk. My AH is racist, judgemental, etc as well. I see a lot of my AH in what you say about yours. It also took 3 times of leaving him to finally let go of trying to make it work.
We all have our own time frames of when we realize that we cannot ever communicate in any normal sense of the word with them. I am a great communicator, I have always resolved issues by good communication and totally believe that all things can be worked out by talking together and finding solutions together for any problem.
But here's the thing Liz: Normal communication methods DO NOT WORK WITH THEM.
It took me so long to realize this. When you share your feelings in a non-judgemental way about something he did, and ask that he respond differently, IT DOES NOT WORK. The reason it does not work is that they do not care what your feelings are. They whole being is about getting through each and every thing in their life to protect what THEY have--a somewhat comfortable life where they can drink. Period. If they have us in that wonderful codependent place...all the better for them. It is all about them. It is about how much better than they are in their job, better than all other races, better than YOU.
This has been my experience and so I thought I would share it because I see in you the "great communicator" that I was/is. Keep taking care of you and your son in this journey Liz. Your son is lucky to have you as Mom.