I never,until recently, saw the grand scope of what I was dealing with. His 'stuff' would only rear it's ugly head every so often and then I'd conveniently forget the previous rant because the next one would be something else and completely different. It was like he kept moving the mark, changing the subjects of the tirades, and I couldn't keep from spinning out of control
Liz, this really resonated with me. Looking back with my AH, I could not see the forest for the trees. I think he knew that I wanted to "fix" things and he would consistently present me with a new flaw in himself or problem to focus on. (Or, more likely, I would search for some flaw or problem that my sick mind deemed as manageable/fixable) Of course, I could never "fix" anything. But, the trees kept me on the hamster wheel. When all along, it wasn't just his alcoholism, or his inability to deal with his brother's death, the fall of the economy and his businesses, his temper, his misogyny, his inability to relate to our anxious son, etc.......all these components that I thought I could chip away at and reveal the husband I wanted him to be - it was just him.
I got so caught up in each little tree - I couldn't see that the forest was a very, very bad place for me.
You seem to be so completely intertwined with him and all his "stuff" - I hope you can find away to untangle.
Hugs,
MamaKit