Saw XAH
The last two weeks XAH and I have been discussing some things to tie up loose ends from the divorce - my anxiety isn't where it used to be with him, although I almost cancelled our meeting last week because I didn't know if could handle it - it was the first time I would've seen him since November. I know he can fly off the handle as soon as I don't do exactly what he wants me to do or throw in a sly little insult to me. Or he'll complain or pull the "poor me" self pity BS.
I don't react or say anything really to his guilt-tripping and self-pity nonsense, not like I used to. I think my silence is jarring to him b/c he's used to me flying off the handle right along with him. He actually wants me to feel sorry for him because he has to write me a check for splitting the equity on our marital home. Feel sorry for him! We met last week, and within 2 minutes of me sitting down he threw a temper tantrum about something. I sat there looking at him in silence and thought - I put up with this for five years????!. It just makes me laugh it's so ridiculous. He asked about my family, Easter, etc., but I didn't return any personal questions. To the extent possible, I'm still insulating myself from any information about him - the less I know, the better off I am.
It is hard to keep things strictly business with him. He can still make me laugh like no one else. Even after being emotionally devastated with this man, I still want to make him laugh too. The good times don't last though, I know this.
A friend's husband told me he ran into XAH at some basketball games last month, and that XAH was really drunk, red-faced, and looked like hell. The first thing I noticed when I saw XAH last week was his flushed/red face. I looked, I mean really looked - thinking maybe it was a sun or wind burn, or this or that, but really, I knew. Today when I saw him again his cheekbones, nose, and temples were still flushed. No excuses from me this time, it is what it is. He mentioned today he had "a lot" of tests/bloodwork done a few months ago. His thin face and fit physique don't fool me like they used to.
Sometimes I miss our time together. But he reminds me continuously why I'm better off without him.