debysu46

I know I haven't posted in awhile and want to thank everyone for all the kind words and advice..I come here daily and just read and read..I still cannot get over the embarrassment of having and AS like this. The trend continues of course because I don't have what it takes to lock him up. I let him continue to abuse me verbally, constantly finding his stuff all over, have even smelled the odor in my home..
Why would he continue this path while on felony probation for 8 yrs? Why am I his target all the time? I am the one who has been there every step of the way for him. Done everything. Bailed him out so many times..Thousands and thousands in the hole because of him. He tells me to shut up, calls me names, everything. It's horrible. I keep threatning with I will call your PO but I cannot bring myself to do it..Me being the cause of having my son go to prison, I would die inside. I already am. My husbands health is getting worse. I sit and cry all the time alone.
How do you people do it? Where do I get strength from? My son needs help so bad. He has not done one thing to look for a job, part of his probation rules, and has to have paper filled out by every employer he goes to. Not one has he done in 2 months. Has no money to pay fines. Yet he comes in here with laptops, xboxes, etc...I know, he trading for drugs but he thinks I am stupid.
I just cannot be a part of this anymore. He is 29 yrs old, but the mentality to me of a child, but its probably just the drugs. As when he comes down he cries and cries like a little baby. He will lay flat on floor kicking his feet crying he starving to death, he dying..Yet when he coming down, he eats me out of house and home. I am so sorry to vent..But I am so depressed that sometimes I would rather not be alive. No more pain..Love to all of you..you all are the best and thanks for hearing me.