Sobreia

My second post for today... And this is a difficult one to write as there is a lot of shame involved.

Since I was about 13 I have suffered from mental health issues. It began with an obsession with my hair, I could spend hours making every hair perfect in a pony tail, having to redo it over and over in case there was imperfection or asymmetry in the hairdo. This went on for a couple of years until the obsession became focused on the skin on my face.

I never had severe acne, a few spots here and there as any normal teenager, but I would spend hours investigating what to me appeared as imperfections; picking, squeezing and damaging my skin, then trying to cover it up and make the wounds heal. It became a vicious circle and I became increasingly anxious about showing my face in public. In my early twenties I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), a condition which is similar to OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I would isolate myself for weeks, sometimes months, feeling too embarrassed and self-conscious about my appearance.

After many years of therapy I have gained insight about the underlying issues that express themselves in this disorder. BDD, like OCD, is a way to manage anxiety and stress, to suppress and focus on something more "tangible". There are many facets to this disease, and the experience is very personal. For me I think it is related to my parent's divorce, my father's OCD, and the pressure I put on myself to be perfect from an early age - in every aspect, "the good girl syndrome". I was pretty, best in my class, popular among friends, but in my eyes I was never good enough. I felt strange, awkward, disgusting, abnormal.

I still pick my skin, sometimes a lot, sometimes less. The way I feel inside is directly reflected on my skin, a lot of wounds and I am not in a good state... I have learnt to live with it, but like alcoholism it is a disease you have to live with for the rest of your life, trying to live one day at a time. A day without picking is like a day without alcohol, and the abstinence is associated with a lot of stress and anxiety.

I think my problems with alcohol are very much linked to my mental health issues. When I drink I momentarily escape my obsessions, only for them to become worse.

Now when I am sober I find it harder to stay away from my face, I feel restless and anxious and when I pick those feelings are - for a little while - subdued. The decision to stay sober involves a desire to be healthy, on all levels, and while I understand I need to take one battle at the time, I am afraid that the BDD will become worse - one addiction swapped for another so to speak.

It would be nice to hear other people's experience of mental health issues and alcohol, to find support in each other.

Sorry for the long post. Just wrote it all down and put it out there before I changed me mind.