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Old 04-13-2013, 07:31 PM
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Datro
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 6
Enough bad experiences

Hi everybody. Coming to this forum/website is my first step/attempt at getting help with my drinking. Mostly I'm just looking to hear encouraging words from anyone who can offer them.

I work at a bar. We are all allowed to drink on shift, even the owners do. I can't even count how many times I've left work while blacked out. My hangovers are completely debilitating. I want to stop drinking while I'm at work... Every day that I wake up with a hangover, I of course SWEAR I'm never drinking again, and I feel confident that I won't all the way up until I get there and someone offers me a shot or a customer pisses me off. Its like I instantly forgot that I was planning on NOT having anything to drink. I have a really high tolerance, that's likely something typical for alcoholics? I probably drink 8+ shots of straight alcohol in a few hours.

I do not plan on leaving my job, so that suggestion is obvious and helpful but won't happen. The other night when I worked I came home around 5 am and then woke up at 8 am in my car in the street. I have pets who were waiting for me all night at home and needed to be let out...I'm a terrible pet mom for this.

Another reason I need to quit drinking is because I don't like who I am when I've been drinking. I'm uber friendly and social and nice to people... yes it helps me earn tips but it leaves the door open to getting hit on, asked out, etc. I want that to stop happening as well. I feel like men are opportunists and see and or know when I'm drunk and they take advantage of that. Then I hate myself for days afterwards for letting myself be treated in this way. (I'm just a bartender, not a stripper, lol).

The only thing I REALLY care about in life is being healthy and in shape... quite the oxy moron isn't it?! I go to the gym 5+ days a week, I would go more if it didn't work against my goals. I spend hundreds a month on supplements, hundreds more on eating every healthy meal perfectly throughout my day. I can't quite figure out why its this ONE part that I can't stop... its the most harmful thing to my fitness progress yet I still continue to do it. Spend hours in the gym......then just reverse all my hard work and dedication with one night of over drinking. I feel so much hate for doing this to myself over and over.

No one knows that I have a problem except me, and I've tried telling a couple of people but they don't believe me. Its like they have some predisposed idea in their minds of what an alcoholic is supposed to look like and act like, and I don't fit the bill? Then they tell me that I don't have a problem and it could be worse/its not that bad.

I don't know what else to say. I don't drink every day (I Used to though) but more like a couple times a week. But its enough to send me into a depression because I black out so bad that I literally forget talking to people or making promises to do something for someone. I don't even remember getting ready for work the other day because I started drinking early... the next day I found pictures of my phone that I took of myself and I was so relieved to know that I left the house dressed and with makeup on. Damn, that's sad.

If anyone has any encouraging words that I might be able to remember to tell myself before I'm tempted to drink next time, I would really appreciate it. Thanks to everyone who read this.
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