Old 04-12-2013, 10:48 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Gforce23
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Mornin."

While I'm not a fan of all of Frank's music, I'm a big fan of Frank Zappa the man. You've got to love his prodigious wit and wildly irreverent sense of humor.

However, I must say that alcohol did exactly what I was expecting it to at the time I was using it. It may be purely anecdotal evidence, but in social situations, it certainly seemed to calm my nerves and lube up my social skills. Now then, I'll freely admit that it often seems that I was merely kicking the anxiety can down the road, but it definitely seemed to do the job I was asking it to, while I was using it.

Now then, what baffles me, is that there has been hardly any research about people with Alcoholism or Alcohol Use Disorders who have a co-morbidity with anxiety and especially social anxiety. It's kind of forehead slapplingly obvious that people would and do use it that way-- whether they get they actual benefit or perceived one, does not, in my opinion, invalidate that they are indeed self-medicating with it. Also, in the discussion of the study, the author stated that traditional treatment of alcoholism or Alcohol Use Disorders is not always the best mode of treatment for those with social anxiety disorders, as it often requires being in large groups where you often encouraged to speak about yourself. Also, if the anxiety does get treated, the "relapse" rate of anxiety sufferer's is higher, because they are self-medicating.

I find personally, that since I've quit drinking, my "generalized" anxiety seems to have quieted down, but my Social Anxiety has gotten worse, not better.

Alcohol seemed to put a muzzle on the little evil leprechaun that sits on my shoulder and critiques not only everything I say and do, but also seems to give an unwanted play by play and detailed analysis of people's reactions. After a few beers, that little leprechaun b*st*rd shuts his big trap.

Now, I did mention kicking the can down the road, because precisely what would happen. While I may not have worried as much about what people thought at the time I was drinking, if I woke up after a night of heavy social imbibing, I woke up with extreme anxiety about the way I might have been perceived the night before. BUT--it did do it's job AT THE TIME.

So, the reason I'm avoiding socializing and social drinking situations, is not just because I've quit drinking, it's that with out drinking, I feel so uncomfortable, that I'm really only "getting through" the situation, I'm not really enjoying it. Socializing feels like torture to me. I actually get "performance" anxiety talking to people. I will be talking to someone, and often in the middle of a sentence, I will be struck with anxiety, and my mind will go completely blank. You have no idea how many times this happens to me. I'm talking to someone, my mind goes blank, and suddenly there is just a canyon of awkward silence. I'll try to recover, but it just sounds lame.

I'm also slightly neurotic. I often ruminate out loud with out even realizing it. I process my anxieties "should I/shouldn't I's) out loud, with out even being aware that I'm doing it. I think it turns people off. I just feel like a freak.

The guy's at the bike shop don't even want to give me the time of day, because I have so much anxiety about spending money, that they'll try to give me a deal something I'm looking at, and I'll tell them to hold it for me or that I'll come back for it, but I never do.

I worry out loud around people a lot, and I think it's probably annoying. But what's funny, is I am not actually THAT different of a person than the person I was 8 years ago with all those friends and all that popularity. I just don't know what happened. I still believe some of it is the "BC" culture. People are pretty reserved here, and they just have more "cool" way of interacting here in BC It's not as open as it was in the States, at least not where I'm from.

I'm not by any means calling Canadians jerks. They are not jerks, so don't anyone get offended, I'm just saying, that I think there is a subtle difference in the social culture here that often makes me feel like I'm left hanging out to dry.

My husband is always telling me, "just be yourself." Well, who is myself? I'm not sure who that is. I'm so many selves. The self I thought I was, seems like an illusion now.

You know, even on the ladies ride, though I ended up having a good time, when I went over there, I stood around on the edge of crowd of ladies, all of whom were talking to each other, but none of them even seemed to notice me standing there with my bike. I'm hard to miss in all black bike gear and my black and orange bike. I stood there and fiddled with my gear aimlessly for about 10 minutes, and then I decided to ask a woman a question about the ride. It was all I could think of to try and break the ice. But the ride started out awkwardly, because all the other 5 ladies knew each other, and there no introductions in the beginning of the ride.

I went to the pub afterwards, despite how uncomfortable I felt not knowing anyone, and though, I didn't have a bad time, I didn't want to stay long, because I wasn't really enjoying it, either.

I guess I'm in feelin' sorry for myself mode.

Well, I'm really tired, I've been going through a bout of severe insomnia. So this could be contributing to my current negative outlook. I haven't slept well in 4 days, and I have to get ready for my trip. I'm really, really tired, and my poor kid has been on the receiving end (you know, why the little ditty about "I" before "E" when there are so many bloody exceptions...) of my extremely low patience due to lack of sleep.

Anyway,

That's my report--I apologize if my report isn't very cohesive. I'm exhausted and I have a lot on my mind.

Cheers
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