Anger and abandonment, Ambulance, 8 stitches later
Today I was thinking after I broke down last night and drank a pint of gin: I have a lot of issues with anger, and also abandonment, feeling like a second class citizen, and feeling hurt. It was hard, being gay, growing up when I did, and it still is, despite incremental progress.
I think, though, that what happens is that people tell me I shouldn't' be angry, like I have no right to my own feelings, so I should just bottle them up. But that doesn't work.
And this seems to be the tip of the iceberg...
~
About three weeks ago, I got vrey drunk and took sedatives, and fell and gashed my forehead really bad. I had to have my mate call an ambulance. I'd never been in one before. Oddly, it was the one year anniversary of my 21 year old cousin killing himself on his birthday; the next day, I would discover an aunt on the other side of my family had ended her life. The coincidence hit me as odd.
But back to the ambulance:
Most of my life, I never had health insurance, and could not afford medical care. I just went without, feeling a lot of anger in being a second class citizen, feeling like nobody really cared if you lived or died, got sick or not. I spent 20 some years like that: no insurance. So it was like all of the sudden the great machinery of 'care (incorporated)' opened it's arms and took me in, battered and bleeding, and I recall almost laughing, I was in a bit of a manic state, but I was happy, it was worth the scar, and inwardly, knowing I had insurance, knowing they would do whatever it took when I got there, I felt, for once, like I had accomplished something, despite being 45 with no home, a worthless car, no savings and horrible credit. I felt like somebody, I had finally arrived and it was a small, good thing.