Mmhoule,
Thank you for sharing your experience in such an honest manner. I am not exactly in a great place to give advice, but I can share my story to show you are not alone. I got clean for a period of 2 years and 4 months. I recently relapsed on my opiate of choice. I know it is a different substance but addiction is addiction which makes it easy for us all to relate.
I have a great job for a college student which I actually enjoy. I am going to school and getting great grades. I just met this really sweet girl who do not drink or party, which is rare for my age. I am getting along well with my family. Everything is sort of in place. With my relapse, those things are going to the wayside.
I want to stop, but honestly every thought I have to get clean again diminishes when I put that substance in my body. I HAVE to feel it. Even if it is 3 am and I have to get up in 3 hours for class, I will be more focused on using. It disgusts me and I am ashamed of myself for being in this situation after so much time clean.
What I can tell you, and what other people have told me, is that you should not be ashamed or disgusted in regards to what is happening. Addiction is a sickness and there is not an easy cure. It takes a lot of hard work and support. I believe that you truly want to, you can kick this to the curb.
This is a great place. There are a ton of people with time who are willing to offer support and advice on recovery. One thing I would recommend is moving this post, or just making a new post in the
http://http://www.soberrecovery.com/...mers-recovery/
The Newcomers to Recovery thread is a great place because people with time will be there answering questions etc. You will most likely get a ton of replies with posting there; more people will see it.
Like I said, I am not really going to give advice besides what I said, but I know you have it in you to succeed.
All the best