wanttobehealthy

Met with Superintendent this morning (after a night of anxiety and tossing and turning).

I was nervous and said so right off the bat. First I thanked him for meeting with me. Then acknowledged this was not easy to talk about; something to the effect of "rather than pretend this is easy, I want to tell you my concerns are difficult to talk about but whether I am here or not next year the program I work in needs to change for the benefit of the kids and I'm hoping you can be helpful in making that happen"

That's a paraphrasing of what I said.

Then I said what I saw the potential of the program being, what I have proposed during the year (with the proposals with me), how I see my proposals benefitting the students and lastly, the dillema I have had in wanting to implement changes to improve the program (bc it is not a program at all right now) but not wanting to go against directions from my supervisor. He asked me when I'd tried to have meetings to go over these proposals and I had dates and emails.

I shocked myself with how calm I was and how positive I kept it and how I focussed everything I said on what would benefit the students (bc that's what I believe).

I said that I knew my supervisor was in a new role herself this year and exceptionally busy and that I believe she is as committed to this program as me but perhaps too busy to be able to meet. And I said that I hadn't just forged ahead with significant changes because that wasn't my place (he agreed and said it sounded like I'd done exactly what I should).

He stated he was meeting with my supervisor at 9 and was going to speak to her and set up a meeting for the 3 of us to discuss the future of the program and address my concerns.

In the past I would have been scared at this idea but I realized when I left the meeting that I have integrity and truth on my side and I will not defend/explain/justify. I will relay my same concerns, outline the facts of what I have done, and if my boss wants to accuse and be negative I won't defend myself. I will let the facts speak for themselves.

I was a mess going into this and whether anything changes because of this or not, I am glad I did this. I stood up for what's right and for myself and my students. My boss can dislike me and speak ill of me and perhaps others will believe her, but I conducted myself as well as I could have imagined this morning, I didn't blame or sound negative and either my Superintendent will believe me or my boss and in the end there's not a thing I can do to control that.

I'm feeling like this is the serenity prayer in action for sure.

I accept that I can't control what others opinions are and whether others believe half truths about me. I can't change how my supervisor behaves in the name of covering her own hide.

I can control the job I do (a good one) and the truth that I told today and how I presented it (what was best for kids and concrete steps that would improve the program) and my past successful experience running programs like this.

And for once I know the difference! So instead of trying to convince my Superintendent about who I am or convince him that my boss is dishonest and has been unfair etc... I focussed on me and my message separate from what my boss' message might be.

And I feel really successful in dealing with a conflict in what may be the first time ever I dealt with it healthily and non emotionally!!!!!

Thank you all for helping me navigate this meeting and giving me the advice you did. I am grateful to you all!