Florence

My AH left for rehab again yesterday. The events leading up to his decision are a little murky -- we have been separated for about seven months but still talk on a semi-regular basis. Right after we separated, which was due to a full blown relapse, he took a new job that required a lot of travel, quit attending meetings, and stopped following through on psych appointments. A couple of months ago, he started exhibiting symptoms of anxiety again and didn't seem to be managing them well. When he came to me, I encouraged him to start working the program again, even while on the road, and get with his counselor, sponsor, and psychiatrist to manage his symptoms so he could manage his life. He dragged his feet. He lost the job, and has spent the last month holed up in his parents' basement, depressed and panicked.

He swears he hasn't been drinking, but I don't really believe it. He's going to a fancy rehab up north -- of his own volition ** applause! ** -- that will require full detox upon admission, which tells me what I need to know. He isn't sure how long he'll be gone, but I encouraged him to consider doing the full rehab and sober living experience afterward, reiterating that he's no good for me or the baby if he isn't sober AND thriving (which has been my belief all along). He told me that he was really honest about his drug history "this time," like it was something to be proud of. I was like, "You mean you were DISHONEST the prior three times?" Fer chrissakes.

I used to be extremely resentful about how his addiction affected me, but in recent months I have felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I'm just living my life, enjoying the company of my children, being outdoors, being active, being creative and crafty, and feeling grateful. I have battled depression since puberty, and with the help of counseling, medication, and SR, I have felt like I was at my best for the last year or so (minus the situation over the holidays when I quit smoking). I feel like I have possibilities, and I don't feel any rush to jump into a relationship, or be out on the town, or anything like that, which was my old norm. My DS13 is so charming and sweet, and I genuinely enjoy his company. The baby is a doll, and basically the three of us tool around town and shop, paint, go out to eat, and ride bikes every day. I see my friends when I can, and I have a lot of hobbies. I'm making personal goals for myself around keeping house, learning to cook, trying to lose some weight/feel like I'm in shape. It's pretty great. Not having the burden of AH, his lack of income, his neediness, his ability to rule the household with his moods whether he was drinking or not, has been transformative.

AH stopped by on his way out of town last night. I didn't know he was coming. The kids and I were playing basketball and drawing on the driveway outside when he pulled up, and he had clearly been crying and was feeling extra dramatic. He said some things that made me ask if he was actually driving to rehab, or if he was suicidal. He reassured me he was going to rehab. He seemed bothered that we weren't sitting around being worried about him. My stance since the separation is that life goes on. I tried to support him in recovery while we were living together, but he was consistently dishonest or inconsistent in his commitment to the program. Since we've been apart, this pattern continues.

He is a good person, he means well, but he has yet to wrap his arms around the particulars of this disease and how to manage it. He just won't take direction from the program. I consider it part of the disease. For example, when he came by last night, he grabbed an old cell phone. I didn't ask why, but he told me later that he planned on turning over that phone and keeping his iPhone on him in rehab so he doesn't have to wait in line for the phone in rehab. I was like, you've got to be kidding me. He tried to make some excuses, and I just said, look, maybe following the rules is something you should try right now, because you keep telling me the shortcuts aren't working for you.

One step forward, two steps back.

I have no expectations this time around. My experience of my life without him at home is a proven thing, his patterns of failure around the maintenance mode of mental health are also a proven thing. We have always been good friends, and I don't see that ending provided he maintains a certain level of stability, but I don't really desire to be with him any longer. I have held off on filing for divorce because... I don't know why. I feel like I need to move forward on filing for divorce this year -- I also don't have any feelings about this, it just needs to be done. But I'm not in any hurry either. It will happen.

Recovery feels good, guys. I'm glad this is part of my life.