Ann

STEP 9

From the Book Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie.

"You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred perecnt responsible for fixing it." -Ken Keyes, Jr., The Power of Unconditional Love

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

The chapter begins by telling the story of a woman in recovery and the choices in her life. She worked on her recovery for many years and things began to improve in her life, but she was still choosing sex addicts as partners. Once she realized that this was due to sexual abuse issues from her childhood, she began to heal. She made her amends to her family and to herself and began setting boundaries that she would no longer live in denial about her past. She has found peace. "'By talking about myself, by focusing clearly on my part - even down to needing to be married to a sex addict to work through my issues - I made my peace,'... That's what this Step is about: making peace with ourselves and others. That is the purpose of amends."

Taking Out the Lists

This Step is about learning our boundaries, where others end and we begin. It is about letting others walk their own paths and learning to take care of ourselves. We should have a list from your other steps, and if you don't, don't fool yourself ... there are still people on your list. If you have relationships that you feel troubled about, you have a list.

"Denial does not count here. If you have strife or unresolved issues, even if you are denying the feelings, they are on the list."

Dealing with Those who Have Harmed Us

This seems like an odd thing to do, even a bit codependent, but we must go through the list of people who have harmed us. We need to forgive each of them and doing so means that we need to identify and work through each one so we can change our behaviors and not be abused again. We must feel the feelings of anger, sadness, or even rage to work towards forgiveness. If we do not do this fully, we will have to revisit this again. This experience may be mild to severe and can happen quickly or take years, but it is necessary for us to heal and forgive.

It is important to learn the lessons that our past abusive relationships have to teach us so we can practice new behaviors in the future to keep ourselves from being abused. If the lesson can not be found, we at least have to accept what has happened and work through our feelings. Regardless of how long it takes, we will forgive when we are ready.

"Our goal is to forgive and forget the incident, when we have accepted and healed from it. We strive to remember only OUR lesson from the experience. We learn we can be grateful, for many have come into our lives to help us learn and grow-sometimes through opposition, sometimes through love, sometimes by reflecting to us what we need to work on in ourselves."

Making Amends to Those we Have Harmed

Now it is time to grab the list of people we have harmed. We may have lied, manipulated or abused these people. We may owe a financial amends. The people closest to us are usually at the top of the list, the ones we have harmed the most with our codependent behavior. It can be anyone though, a neighbor or a coworker. It is time to let down our defenses, be honest, and own our behavior, not justify, defend, or talk about their behavior. The fewer words the better, "This is what I did and I am sorry." Some need to be made immediately and some need to wait to let some time pass. It is important to not do this if it is going to harm someone else. It is not our goal to make a bigger mess.

You can ask your higher power for guidance and assistance while making your amends. Sometimes "I am sorry" is not enough and we need to change our behaviors with people in our lives, or perhaps make a financial amends and pay the debts we owe. Sometimes that debt is not our own and after we work through the issue and resolve as much as we can, we need to accept that this is the way things are and start to resolve it regardless of where it came from. Then it is up to us to protect ourselves from letting it happen again.

This is not about changing others, it is about changing ourselves. "We need to understand clearly what we are taking responsibility for. We need to ascertain that in this process of making amends, we aren't engaging in another behavior that will be self-defeating or damaging to others." If in doubt, ask your HP for guidance and reach out to others in recovery. The answer will come.

Remember, we don't have to apologize if we didn't do anything wrong.

Making Amends to Ourselves

This may be the hardest amends there is to make, the amends to ourselves. In our recovery as codependents, all the work we do has to do with making amends to ourselves. Giving ourselves permission to have opinions, say no, set boundaries, protect ourselves, to be happy, to trust and believe in ourselves, and to live our lives is making an amends to ourselves.

"We may have many amends to make to that frightened, abused, or neglected child within us - amends for being so critical, negligent, and shameful. We owe ourselves an apology and changed behavior for not allowing ourselves to receive the love and nurturing we need, especially from ourselves."

We have spent our lives punishing ourselves for the guilt and shame we carry. It is time to learn how to heal and care for ourselves, for that child within. We are our protectors.

Loving and Forgiving Ourselves

This step gives us the opportunity to forgive ourselves and others, to accept ourselves and our pasts, and to wipe the slate clean. We can begin to be responsible for ourselves through self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-acceptance. We get to forgive our transgressions, accept them, and change our behaviors to bring harmony into our lives. Now when old feelings or behaviors visit us, we know we have choices.

"There is safety and comfort in this formula for self-care - these Steps. They tell us we can love and accept all of ourselves and accept our pasts - as long as we are willing to take responsibility for ourselves."

This step is difficult and frightening, but with practice it becomes easier.

The Nuts-and-Bolts Steps

We have discussed what many call the nuts-and-bolts steps and as we progress in our recovery we find that we return to the steps we need whenever we need them. This is a gradual process of acceptance and understanding. We will do the things we need to heal when we are ready. The AA Big Books on pages 83-84 say this:

We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Activities:

1. Have you made any amends to other people yet? How did this feel?

2. If you are ready, set some amends goals. For instance, name the people to whom you would like to make amends. Set a reasonable deadline and a goal for apologizing, wherever that is appropriate. Be as specific or as general as you want. You may want to make your goal "to become aware of the people I owe apologies to, then make those amends." Or you may have a list of names and incidents and want to set a deadline for talking to these people.

3. What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now? What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship? What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed? How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?

4. What is the biggest guilt you have right now? Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?

5. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."

6. Explore the concept of your inner child and your inner healer.

Use letter writing to get in touch with both.

Author and lecturer Lucia Capacchione has devised a simple method for doing this. She suggests drawing pictures with your nondominant hand to allow the inner child to express itself. You can also write a letter with your nondominant hand. Ask the inner child what it s really feeling, fearing, wanting, needing, or worrying about, then let it draw a picture or write a letter to you.

Now respond with the dominant hand. Draw a picture showing how you would like the problem to be resolved or how you would like to be feeling, Write a letter to that child, supporting, comforting, and protecting the child. In your picture and letter, assure the child within that all will be well.

If you hear somethings that the child within needs, take action. Respond. If it wants to go for a walk, dance, sing, be held, hold, be alone, listen to music, or rest, give it what it needs. These efforts do not have to be complicated or complex; the simpler, the better.