vvl171w,
Alcoholism. It is progressive left untreated. It is a family disease that gets "caught" by the loved ones who of course, suffer worse than the addict (in my opinion) because we can't escape the horrors with chemicals.
She is an addict. You are obviously deeply enmeshed and addicted to her and her illness. You are shocked and speechless although she has repeatedly shown you who she is ... why won't you believe her and take appropriate steps to establish boundaries to start your own healing and recovery?
Sorry to be so blunt... but I have walked in your steps... I have been there! You are caught in a revolving door and nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't change her nor the future. She wants to drink and do her thing. She told you so. Believe her.
By hovering, helicoptering, hoping an dreaming you feed the disease and harm yourself. Set yourself free one step, one day at a time.
My life changed when I started listening to the posters on this board and not my fantasies about my XA. I started getting better when I began going to alanon and did the steps. My XA started getting better when I did these things and even had months and months of recovery peppered with relapses ....
BUT... my boundaries were kept and they determined my future, my life and the XA became the permanent XA!
Now that more time has been revealed... I KNOW that I made the right choices. He was playing me like a violin and he loves his mistress alcohol more tham me. He makes love to the bottle every night and he will die an alcoholic ... probably before he is 45.
HIs choice. She has made her choice.
What do YOU choose? Life is nothing but a series of choices and the ball is firmly in your court...
good luck. Keep coming back. There is no judging here... you will make your choices based on your pain level and willingness to see the truth unvarnished ... hurts a lot I know.....but it sets you free.
We all care.