So I started thinking this morning about getting in touch with my brother and giving him some advice. Really, what Dad is doing is so very wrong, unethical even.
Here's an example of how Dad uses money against people: Dad once called and asked if I needed $. I said I was ok. He said "Are you sure? I never help you. I should be doing this for you." He indicated he really wanted to give me something. I finally accepted. Never was it mentioned as a loan. All the language indicated a gift and something that would make him feel good. Two weeks later he got angry with me when I stood up for myself to him. Within days he was demanding that repay him for the "loan" only the amount was twice what he'd originally given.
I honestly think he believed his own new perception of the situation. That he thought he'd "loaned" me twice what he actually gave. I emailed him and said I'd send him the money, but made it clear that he had never indicated he expected repayment. I never bothered to tell him he was off on the amount, I just sent him double what he gave me. Crazy, right? But Screw it. I'm not fighting over money with anyone, especially him. I could easily have proved the amount, but felt like he would go back in time to the days when he was giving me $ to help defray expenses while I was living with my brother to justify his new number rather than admit the mistake.
What he's doing to #3 is very similar. He gave him something, now demands payment for it though it was originally said to be a gift/repayment for help #3 had given him with a bunch of things. He keeps changing the terms. He now says he never got any help from #3. I had told both of them to just document an agreement. Put it in writing. Dad would never try to change terms of something he agreed to in writing. They ignored me, of course and now it's a mess. Dad does not even really remember his original offer. Now that he's mad, he's acting like he never made an offer in the first place. Brother has also continually changed his own plans and terms.
Another example Dad actually totalled #3's car but then said "tough. I bought it for him." He left my brother in a huge bind, then went and bought himself a brand new car. Brother will spend all of his days focusing on his anger about the car, instead of taking any time to resolve it. Dad offered to replace it with another car after I gave him hell about this. The car he wanted to give him wasn't good enough for my brother. Brother would rather be angry about this. This is the only connection they have, so sometimes I think the anger and hostility is a kind of intimacy. Fine line between love and hate.
I wanted to talk to my brother about this rationally, but he will not let me if I try. I'm going in a circle right now about what is morally right. If he'd let me I could get this resolved quickly. That's probably not true, but it's what my codie brain says.
This kind of injustice feeds my brother's addiction. He stays high because he can't face his own feelings. He's lived like this since age 15 when he was first introduced to marijuana. He is in pain. I liken his holding on to his anger to the monkey that cages himself but refusing to let go of the banana so he can fit his hand back through the bars. It's a very sad thing to watch.
While all these thoughts were swirling I was doing dishes. I broke a glass and it cut my wrist pretty deeply. Yeah, it hurt but I had to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of me. It will take some time to heal and will probably leave a scar. That can be my reminder to take care of me.
Stucna sent me a message about Buddha and not taking on problems that are not mine.
I really like that concept. When someone has a problem if I make it mine, I have not lessened the amount of problems in the world but instead doubled them.
I will do nothing. But am infinitely grateful that I can write about it here instead of acting on it.