Hanna

Brother #3 has been contacting me in the past week and I've been mostly ignoring him. He sends weird and angry text messages, some that sound vaguely threatening toward my father but are rather oblique.

He only calls me when he wants something and it always ends badly so I've stopped engaging. It really is like a zombie has taken over my brother's body.

He called a few days ago and I let it go to voicemail, but later I listened. He had some kind of potential solution to his legal/financial issue with Dad and as always, was trying to draw me into it. I've tried to help them resolve this but always end up getting beaten over the head. I was proud of myself for the text message I sent in response which said "My emotional well being will not allow me to be the go-between in our family. Please find a neutral third party. I'm praying for both of you." He asked for another family member's phone number, which I did give him because that person does have a stake in the situation. Then I felt guilty for giving it to him and selfish for not engaging.

Dad mentioned this later when we talked over the weekend so apparently someone contacted him, but I told him I am not discussing this matter and that only get beaten up when I allow them to involve me.

Today brother #3 called again but didn't leave a message. He just did so again while I am typing this. Dad called twice also and I returned his call. (Things are decent with us at this point and I don't like to ignore his calls.) He said "#3 called me and said he is coming to my house but I will not be here."
I said "What does this have to do with me?" and he said "Well I thought you could call him and tell him I won't be here." I refused saying "Absolutely not, I am not calling him and telling him anything." He flounced off the phone a little angrily, of course.

I think what I'm feeling right now is fear, anger and guilt. Fear that my brother will do something bad, I don't know what. Anger that they are both so hateful and unreasonable toward one another, and that they continue to try and drag me into this. Guilt that I am refusing to engage. What do I feel so guilty?

I also get very sucked into thinking I know what will happen ... my brother has never shown any ability to be responsible and if he gets what he wants it's going to result in him probably making an even bigger mess financially for himself in the end.

I'm having a real step one crisis, I think. I know what happens when I engage, but the worry of what is going to happen next makes me feel completely emotionally drained.

I also want to just think hard about my own behavior and why they keep trying to drag me in when I've said that I won't be involved. It's because I'm not consistent enough, right? Because sometimes I slip and even discuss it.

I'm being a total codependent jackass. My RAB and I laughed last week about how easy it is to be patient when there is nothing requiring patience going on. It's the same with codependency.