I think I should have read my first post before I submitted. lol I think I made it sound like I'm trying to rationalize drinking "because I'm more fun". What I meant was that's what I've told myself in the past. Davey, you hit the nail on the head...I'm obnoxious when I drink. I hate the person I become when I drink. I need to learn a new way to be and a new way to have fun without drinking. I am by no means trying to blame my parents, but it's a lifestyle I grew up with and I have an additive personality, to boot. Not a good combination. Thank you Palm for your words. It brings me comfort that someone can empathize and relate. I just feel so dysfunctional and embarressed. I don't have any tools that I'm planning on using because, honestly, I don't where to start. I know I need support and will probably have a hard time finding it with most of my family and friends. My husband is a great support and told me he'll help me anyway he can. I've googled secular support groups, but I can't find any in my area. As far as triggers...Friday, a completed task, a bad day, sunshine, someone's birthday...you name it and it's a reason. It's sad, really. I've stopped drinking for a few weeks in the past and I FELT SO GOOD. I felt like I had control and woke up with no hangover. It was great. But then I'd tell myself, "See, you aren't an alcoholic. You can control it if you want to. You just like to drink." It's a lie! I even went to a counselor last summer that convinced me that I just need to "allow" myself 3-5 drinks a week and no more and that I deserve to treat myself to stress relievers. She really convinced me I didn't have a problem. She was wrong. If I didn't have a problem, why did I actively go see her? My biggest fear is the cycle. Today (two days post drinking) I'm ready to stop. Friday will come, I'll want to drink but I won't because I'll still be determined. A few weeks will go by, we'll get invited out or it'll be a beautiful day and I'll be craving a beer. I'll somehow convince my husband (after hours of badgering and guilt trips) that I'm okay and "I deserve a beer after a really hard week". He'll give in and a twelve pack later I'll be acting like a fool and waking up with regret and shame. I'll tell myself, this is who I am and I might as well accept it. I need to know I'm not the only person who's had this internal conversation and how to defeat that voice and stop that nasty cycle. It's that self-serving voice that thrives on instant gratification and doesn't care about hurting people or consequences that's going to kill me and ruin my life. I just need help desparately.