Lily1918

Im starting to obsess a little. Going through conversations in my head that I want to have, and dwelling on the excitement of hearing him play piano. He absolutely sucked at it when he was using, missing notes and sometimes entire measures of songs, and it is so great to relax and hear him play well.

Im trying to prepare myself for his usual hooks and quacking. True that there are less of them now, but they are still there. He asks about when he can see the kids and wants to know every detail of their lives and DS treatment. He tests the waters to see when he can come home. He showers me with affection.

I try not to get all caught up in the pink cloud. He comments positively that I no longer nag about his recovery. we usually talk about what the chaplins sermon meant (Im going to the Wednesday night service) and how we apply it to our lives.

Im trying to only give him so much time in my head, but I went to his moms house to help with work today and saw him in the family portraits on the walls. All of my pictures of him and us are safely tucked away in an album on the shelf. His piano is covered. I try not to have visual triggers out everywhere.

thanks for letting me share. Im just having thoughts like "oh I hope he stays sober, thank you god that he is sober, give me strength and peace if he does not stay that way."