Abandonment Issues
I have been doing a bit of journaling about my past, trying to find the patterns that led me to where I am today. Honestly, by most accounts, I had a good childhood but something was always missing and I didn't know it until I became an adult.
I am trying to proactively look at the issue of abandonment and why it's keeping me in a sick relationship. My dad was a heavy drinker, most likely an alcoholic but his main issue was that he used the kids as his targets of sarcasm, barbs, belittling, etc. and he always cracked jokes at my expense in front of others. Many of you know that, while I was in college, my dad had a few explosive drunk phone calls where he told me (on various occasions) that I ruined his life, that his misery was all my fault, that they should have aborted me since I was conceived out of wedlock, and that I should have never been born. I was 19 at the time and it rocked me to my core, except that I didn't know it at the time.
Fast forward to the past few years. My dad was diagnosed with a spinal tumor wrapped around his spinal cord 3 years ago. They did surgery but it pretty much paralyzed him. He suffered greatly and battled his cigarette addiction and alcohol problems(many of the rehab places didn't allow smoking so he'd go through withdrawal). He had numerous secondary infections but ultimately died in December of 2011 when the tumor began to grow again and pneumonia was killing his lung function. He was 62.
Anyway, they say that death is the ultimate abandonment and I can't seem to grasp that concept. I guess I felt he abandoned me so long ago that I was pretty much unnerved by his death. I was more sorry for his wife who tirelessly worked with nurses and staff and then turned the house into handicap accessible, etc. She worked 24/7 for him all while holding down a long distance high profile consulting job.
So, what created the abandonment issue in the first place in me? Yep, I had to ask. When my sister was 5 and I was 13 she was diagnosed with childhood leukemia and I had to be shipped off to other houses to go live with friends or relatives. I would stay for a week or so and mostly I was invisible around the house, a burden if I got in the way. Back then the phone lines had to be kept open, there were no cellphones or call waiting so I had no contact with my friends except at school. When I told my future mother in law(at the time way back when, LOL) about what my family went through she immediately said, "Well, that must have been so hard for you! To not sleep in your own bed or stay with strange families. How is it that you cope so well today?" Well, that last question was thought provoking to me. Honestly, the whole statement she made was strange. I never thought about how I felt, EVER! It was always about my sister. I don't think anyone ever asked me how I was doing or how I was feeling and I guess I just never gave it much thought. How sad is that?
Anyway, I share this here because I know someone will understand. I sometimes need to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy. I seriously have intimacy issues, communication issues, abandonment issues, etc and I am finally starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together. It's taken me long enough, huh?