Hey there-
Your anguish is palpable in your post. I am also the mother of a meth (DOC) and heroin addict. I understand your desperation in a way that only someone who has lived it can. My son is 31. He is currently in early recovery.
Sometimes we, as the loved ones of an addict, reach a bottom too. We simply have tried everything and yet the addict continues to use. There came a time for me when it was down to him or me......because we were both going down. Me for frantically trying to save him, obsessing, worrying and succumbing to his manipulations......and him from chasing the high and lifestyle.
Some people will try to guilt you for putting yourself first. Some people will encourage the continued "love and support" of the addict to the exclusion of your own welfare.....insinuating that you haven't done enough. They know nothing of your challenge or your life or what you have done. Until one has walked in our shoes and experiences the pain of knowing the child we raised is sticking a needle in their arm or witness meth psychosis......they know nothing.
Sometimes what we need to hear is simple......it's ok to take care of you.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this nightmare. There is a way to find a measure of peace.....whether your son continues to use or not. It begins by letting him live his life and taking back your own.
My biggest challenge was overcoming the FEAR. Fear of jail, fear of imprisonment, fear of death. Once I conquered my fear, I was able to refocus and begin to live again. I wish that peace for you.
gentle hugs
ke