Old 03-26-2013, 03:02 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
WarmHands
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Considering an Intervention...need help, advice, pointers please!

Hello everyone. I'm posting today because my family, similar to many of yours, is suffering the affects of living with an alcoholic and addict.

My mother as been on anti-depressants and valium for 23years. About 15 years ago, she added alcohol to her list of coping devices. Our family has swept it all under the rug up until recently when my mother made a random decision to enter herself into an inpatient rehab. Sadly, she is in need of a serious dental surgery which we've known would require her to stop drinking for a prolonged and indefinite period of time. The sad part isn't so much that she needs a surgery, but that I suspect that her choice to confront her alcoholism was based on "consequence-driven" rationale.

She was detoxed from the valium and alcohol at the detox center. Her valium was replaced by a non-addictive substitute. She was then moved to the rehab we had set up for her, and it turned out that they didn't feel their facility was fit to deal with my mother because it was confirmed by the doctors that she had an eating disorder. They moved her to another facility(which she screamed and fought over) that was better suited to deal with her specific needs (people who suffer from addiction, mental health disorders, and eating disorder). She felt cornered when she was called out on her eating habits, and she basically insisted that she come home. She screamed "abuse!" and "neglect" were occurring at the rehab... but again I suspect that her desire to leave occurred because she was confronted with a dismal reality... that she was going to have to do a lot more work than she ever thought, and unearth a lot of unresolved issues that she dismisses as no big deal. She even still insists that since she hasn't had a drink, she is recovered. She doesn't feel that there is more to recovery other than removing alcohol. Her problem was she needed dental surgery and quitting drinking was the solution. No drink= problem solved.

Before she came home, we set boundaries for her about what we expected upon her return. Coming home wasn't going to mean that we were going to let her recovery slip away, or allow her to say "oops forget it guys, I don't want to stop." The deal was she would come home, be transparent and authorize family into all doctors appts, she'd go to 6 mtngs/ per wk, attend therapy for her eating issues, make a schedule and stick to it, etc. No doubt she would have signed off on anything just attain that plane ticket home. As expected, she agreed to the terms, and my father flew her home.

She has been home for 2 weeks now. She has since resumed her valium use, which she was 20 days detoxed from, and is now doing twice the amount that she was taking pre-detox(she had been getting issued 20mgs a day but only taking 10mgs bc she feared taking more an mixing in her daily dose of alcohol. Now she is taking 20mgs bc her dr thinks that was what she was taking before). She lies to her shrink and refuses my admittance into her appts. Although she has maintained sobriety from alcohol for the past 30 days, she is on a higher dose of valium now than she was before she went into detox.

I've taken myself temporarily away from my work to assist at home since my family all have jobs that they cannot afford time away from. I've been urging my mother to read books on meditation, spirituality, the AA books, etc. She has no interest. Despite her promise to make 6 mtngs a week, we have only made it to 5 mtngs over the past 2 weeks since she has returned. As each day passes, she keeps trying to find ways to not go to AA... she complains defensively that "she's not like those people." I know she should get to the mtngs, even if she isn't really into it at first. I ask her what she wants to do for her recovery if not AA, and she has no answer other than, "I'll find the power in myself. I can do this on my own."

I've begun to make more serious ultimatums in more stressed conversations recently. I told her that if she doesn't stick to her new downsized commitment to attend 4 mtngs per week, that I will no longer be involved in her life. Tonight was a major fallout as she's trying to refuse to live up to that commitment, and doesn't want to go to her mtng tomorrow.

Here is the yolk of the current debacle: If she refuses for the next week or two to do anything proactive to repair her damaged mind, do we sit back and watch? I tend to think of that as enabling. So then is the right step to have a family style intervention? Is it time for us to lay down clear boundaries as a family and start coming to terms with the idea of possibly having to remove her from our homes and lives? Is an intervention too severe of a method for someone who has been sober from alcohol but has been living on a higher dose of valium?

Additionally, my father is having major issues with enabling. Does anyone have any literature they can recommend? He is gong to al-anon mtngs, but he hasn't yet found someone to speak with one-on-one for advice. He does say that he will leave my mom if needed, but when he is in front of her, he will not say that. He whispers it to me behind the scenes, despite my telling him that these are boundaries that he must make her aware of.

Any advise would be sooo much appreciated! Thanks for taking the time to read and advise!!!
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