I was recently asking a question similar, but opposite. How do you support, but not enable. And in my case my boyfriend who has been in treatment for a month. I didnt get a lot of responses, other than worry about you, not him. Which is basically what you are getting too. But I believe there is a middle ground, where we can have boundaries, offer support, take care of ourselves, and have a fulfilling relationship.
No one here should judge your relationship. People hall all sorts of relationships, and different versions of marriage, and if it has been working for you most of these years, then you are better off than many people.
I recently had to make a boundary for my boyfriend. It was difficult for me because I have had full trust in him, which he earned over a years time.
I do think boundaries are for your benefit, but what I learned is they do not have to be handled in a mean, angry, vindictive way. Which I see here a lot.
Someone suggested to me that I use a cost/benefit chart to look at my needs and the effect a boundary would have on it. Whatever the issue Im concerned about, these are the options I have to protect myself. If I implement this boundary option what affect will it have on me. What good will come of it, what bad will come of it in terms of my safety, emotions, my relationship with the other person.
I respect your feelings on the money, and maybe investments or other things you own. If your wife comes home and she is in active addiction again then I mean it wont take long for her to get picked up again. But overall I would think about setting up a separate account for necessary bills, and you would be responsible for this. At least for a while.
That is basically what I did with my boyfriend, took away his key to my house for a while. But in time he will get it back. In my case, I actually had him help me create the boundary. I expressed my concerns, and asked him to figure out what he could do to reassure me. He actually came up with a stronger boundary than the one I did. So he was happy when I just took the key back, And said he would earn the right to have it back. Boundaries can be used to help the other person understand your needs, and create an easily understood way for them to meet your needs. A positive for the relationship, not a negative. If you do it right.
Assuming your wife comes home, and gets treatment then in time you will be able to loosen or remove the boundary.
If it was me, I would also have a joint account with money left over, and allow her to write checks, do whatever. She will have freedom, and watching how she handles money will give you confidence.
Based on what you have said. I hope that your wife gets another chance. It would have been very hard to lose that many people so soon, and you are right. She was not emotionally prepared. That is not a moral weakness, and has no reflection on her desire to stay clean. She only needs more help in coping to deal with feelings without drugs. If she is willing to get this help, then it speaks more than anything.