Thank you all for sharing your views. Especially thank you Allfor for telling what happened with your husband. I know you were married and the situation was different, but I was with my boyfriend a whole year while he was using cocaine. Ive tried to explain on here that the reason I stayed with him was because he never turned on me with bad behavior, and I had a hard time telling when he even used. The signs were so tiny. And he never used in front of me like sitting there on the couch. He also never went out like your husband and partied with his drug friends. He used alone at home usually when I wasnt there. When I first came to this forum I felt like people were telling me, and something like, and you didnt do anything to help him. I really think they meant I should have left and that would have hurt him, and maybe he would have quit using, or it might begin a series of negative consequences that would cause it.
But, instead while we were still together, he came to me one day and said he had a problem and he needed help, and then he found help. He is now working on himself. I am not trying to keep track of all his actions Lily. I dont know how many days clean he has. I think it is close to a month. I dont focus on that. But stopping has been hard for him. He has been depressed, anxious, cant sleep. He gets tired, and grumpy, and feels bad about himself sometimes. Im not letting the rest of my life slide, but I do want to understand more, and I do want to learn healthy ways to offer him encouragement and support.
I wrote this on another post, and I will repeat it here. I dont buy into the concept that people dont influence, and have effect on other people. It happens all the time. Its not a matter of your words or actions being the lifeline, or the thing that sends them over the edge. I think most people form thoughts and views based on bunches of stuff. Insight or comments from someone they love does fit in there. I saw it with my boyfriend after he started treatment and wanted to tell his parents. They clearly do have an emotional impact on him. I dont even think they know it. They probably think he cares very little about their opinions. But when Im alone with him I know he takes in what they say, and he mixes it with all the other things already in his head.
Like Liley, the other day you were talking about how you recently decided to study and take a test to further your education. (which is so great) and i read something you wrote to another person here thanking them for sharing their posts here about their own educational goals. You said it made you think about your own goals, and it was a source of encouragement. That is great. But obviously the will to study and take the test - that was all from inside you! Same type of thing in my mind.
So I think like the article says, you can support in healthy ways even by simply listening, and responding in an honest way. Hope and reassurance, but only if its true. And that is where I am at right now. I want to learn how to communicate in a healthy way, where I am being true to myself, and also continuing to support him and let our relationship grow hopefully while he is trying to get clean.
I hope some of that made sense. I have worked for like 16 hours and Im sleepy. hungry, and need a hot bath. will stop before its TMI for you all.
Guideme: thank you for sharing too. I read on other forums and follow the recovery of several people, and I find it gives good insight. Im glad the family forum helps you in the same way. I think we do need to have empathy for the other side of addiction.