Worst thing that could happen (in terms of control)
I've been thinking about my powerlessness a lot as I am working in step one lately...
I have had some moments of serenity in times when I would have normally tried to control and get involved in the situation, so that's been nice to see.
The slogan that helps me a lot in those moments is:
IS IT IMPORTANT?
I am finding that so many things are NOT important -- at all.
So in those situations I am just keeping my mouth shut.
Letting things play out without my input.
It's much more relaxing I tell you!
It is not important -- how my husband rearranges the plants after he has watered them.
It is not important -- that he prefers having dirty dishes going on the left side of the sink so the right side can stay open for hand washing and fruit washing etc.
It is not important -- whether he grows his beard or shaves
I do not need to get involved in these situations at all or say anything about them.
And today I can actually say with conviction:
It is not important -- if my husband goes to an AA meeting or not.
It is NOT MY BUSINESS!
Truly. I see that right now.
So what am I talking about in terms of my title for this post: Worst thing that could happen (in terms of control)?
Well...
I'm thinking about how in terms of my recovery...
The worst thing is not that my husband doesn't go to AA meetings.
The worst thing for me and my recovery would be that he DOES go to meetings and I somehow tell myself that it's because of something I've done or said.
As if I'm in control somehow!?
Another example: The worst thing is not that I'd be worrying and then he winds up going on another bender and using....
The worst thing is that I'd be worrying about him going on a bender and then he DOESN"T go on a bender and I somehow believe that my worry prevented it.
In other words...
The worst thing for me in my recovery is that i get the false "proof" that my worrying or my pleading or my efforts prevented the "bad thing" from happening.
The worst thing is that I have opportunities think that I prevented something bad from happening.
Right now, it's actually better for me in some ways that the "bad thing" would continue to happen so that I can continue to see that no matter how much I love him, or worry, or talk to him or whatever....that it DOES NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
I need to continue to see that I am powerless.
And if I talk to my husband about things and what I think he should or shouldn't do...and he does what I say...or I worry about something and then it doesn't wind up happening....instead of getting reinforcement for how powerless I am, my mind can twist it into thinking that I am in control!
So if God is gracious on me, He will NOT let me have my way so that I will continue to see that I am powerless.
Each time I get my way, I can so easily be lured into thinking THAT I DID IT!
That capital IIIIIIIII made that happen.
This is very very very bad for me right now! LOL
So I am not praying for my husband to get into recovery.
I am not praying that he will go to meetings.
I am not praying that he will not use again.
I am not praying for anything about how my husband lives his life.
I do not want to be able to tell myself that if he gets into recovery or goes to a meeting or abstains from using that it was in any way connected to me...even as a result of my prayers.
HANDS OFF!
Instead...I am following step 11 and "praying only for the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out."
And each morning when I get on my knees to make that prayer, I also mentally wrap my husband up in a blanket and I had him over to God.
And then I go about my day looking forward to things not going my way so I can continue to see that I AM POWERLESS OVER ALL NOUNS AND PRONOUNS IN MY LIFE.
It is way worse for me to believe that I am controlling ANYTHING than it is for the things to happen that previously I would have seen as the worst case scenarios.
Never thought I'd be saying things like this...but I am really getting how important it is for me to recognize my powerlessness, to live it in all my affairs, and not be tricked into thinking that I am controlling something...
Right now, getting what I want and having MY WILL play out, is the absolute worst thing that could happen in my recovery.
Thank you GOD for showing me YOUR will and showing me that no matter what YOUR WILL is, I am always okay. xo