allforcnm

I knew nothing about addiction of any kind of substance when this happened to my husband. He had suffered a sports injury and had to have multiple surgeries because of complications. He had been on prescribed pain meds and he did need them. His problems started when the doctor had him in physical therapy, started to wean him off the meds, and he went back to work. He says one day at work he was talking to a coworker, and was saying casually how he missed the Vicodin. He swears he wasn’t seeking drugs, just talking. And the coworker informed him if he wanted some, then he knew where he could get them. There was another coworker who dealt drugs at work and he could hook him up.

I didn’t realize why his behavior was changing at first. I thought it was stress from work, I knew he still had pain, he was unhappy with therapy. But then he started working late and telling me they had a special project going on. It was partially true, but then as his hours got later and later, he admitted to hanging out with the guys from work when they were done. It got worse, it was 3-4 times a week, and I could tell at this point when he came home that he wasn’t right. He finally admitted to me what was going on. We argued, and then I realized how much money he was wasting. He promised at first to stop, still had to work late for a while but he would come right home. That lasted a couple days. That was when I started telling him if he wanted to live like that then he just needed to go and live that way, because it wasn’t my idea of a marriage. I didn’t want to fight, I didn’t want to be home alone and growing distant while he did drugs with a bunch of guys from the office. It was his bad behavior that prompted me to ask him to leave. What he was doing seemed absurd to me. Then after a couple weeks and another fight he agreed he did not want to stop, and he would leave and go do what he wanted because he didn’t want to fight anymore either. I told him when he was done he could come home and we would see where we stood. And that is pretty much what he did, but it was over a year later.

And in that year a lot happened. I found out I was expecting our baby a couple months after he left. I had not been talking to him much up until this point. I decided to let him know -thinking we could work it out, but he didn’t even believe me. He thought I was lying and trying to find a way to control him. Then I just got angry. He cut everyone out of his life including his parents and brother by this time also. There was only one mutual friend who talked to him on occasion. I had my own career, I had my parents, I had friends, and in my heart I still felt like he would come to his senses before long, and we would work it all out. So I just left him alone and tried to live my life and plan for our baby. I made mistakes, a lot of them. I never talked to him again about the baby. He didn’t even know he was a father until he finally made the choice to stop and came home to ask for help. He missed so much including the birth of his child.

My choice to let him go do his thing was purely self centered based on not wanting to tolerate his unacceptable behavior.

I actually knew based on his personality that when he was given freedom and had his income; he would go wild with his new friends and drugs. And that is what happened. Pain pills became mixed with Xanax, and then cocaine. Pain pills are not much of a sexual stimulant, but when he got on the cocaine he found himself a girlfriend who also used and had an affair. He kept working while all this was going on, and to give him credit he always had money in our joint account, and he knew I took out his share of our home expenses every month. That is how we had worked it when we were living together. We each had a portion we were responsible for.

The drugs all accumulated and I am positive based on what his doctors told me that all the chemicals in his brain were off. He no longer had the same mental reasoning, or capabilities. He finally decided he no longer wanted to live that way and when the lease was up on his townhouse he decided to not renew it. He stayed with a drug friend for a while, then went to his parents for help and they turned him away, then to my parents to ask if he could stay there to detox before seeing me. So they took him in without telling me, and he tried to detox. Failed. Tried again. failed. Tried again and got very sick. Had seizures and the whole bit. But that was the start of his recovery.

I think our views are often shaped by our experiences. In my case, I really did nothing to try to help him, encourage him to stop using. I felt like he was a competent adult, and I was really uninformed over the effect drugs have on the brain chemistry. Now I cannot help but wonder what if… what if I had worked with his family to seek help in the form of a professional intervention. What if I hadn’t been so stubborn and I tried again to tell him about the baby coming (at a time when he could clearly see it to be true). What if I had learned more about addiction sooner, and been able to take the things I was taught by the doctors and therapist at the rehab and applied them to our situation when he was actively using? Would it have made a difference?

Not to make him stop or control his mind, but to get him into treatment where he could get off the drugs and have a chance to think and see clearly what was happening to him. Then he would at least have a much greater chance of wanting to accept help, ending his use and reclaiming his life. I will never know all the answers to the what ifs. But I do know I learned a lot from his rehab, and my therapist in particular (they assigned me my own therapist) and much of what I learned I have applied and had good results in communicating and resolving issues with my husband since he has been in early recovery. I hope what I have learned will also serve me well if he should relapse in the future.

My first priority now is our son, but the top priority for my son is having healthy parents who can provide him with a loving and stable home. I love my husband, and through lots of hard work with therapist, and marriage counselors we have resolved most of the past issues. Next month will mark One Year since he came home and asked for help.

Sorry to hijack your thread Daisy… but thank you for this topic, and for letting me relive a bit of my past on here. A lot of the memories are still painful, sharing them helps. I wish sometimes I could wipe away all the bad memories, but I know that will never happen. My prayer is really only that no new ones will be added on.