Thanks panache, they are really thoughtful answers. For me too, the only thing that has seemed fun for a long time now is sitting alone with a bottle of wine. I have begun to slowly change that mindset, but the fear and the urge can be so loud. Bird watching is a wonderful way to relax and take your mind of things - getting inside their world has been very eye-opening to me. It reminds me that there are whole other worlds out there that have nothing to do with me, my stupid problems, and my drinking. I hope you can find a way through.