I lost it today.
Today is the 4th day since my relapse, and it has not been a mentally successful one. I would appreciate the chance to explain, and to 'let it out'.
I teach English and Science in a private school. The school has quite a long history, and a reputation as being one of the most prestigious in Southern Spain. It spans all ages from toddlers to college age. I teach in primary (ages 8-11).
The children in Spain have their own reputation (as do the adults) of being loud, expressive and strong minded. I can assure you that the reputation is warranted. Their personalities resemble the children in the UK little. The classrooms are small in size and classes consist of between 20-28 children.
I have been unable to control some of my classes from the very beginning, and I spend much of my time dealing with discipline issues, rather than actually teaching. Other UK teachers face similar problems. For some reason the children respond to the Spanish teachers with little fuss or bother. Their lessons are calm, as they should be. It is frustrating, rage inducing and at the end of the day draining. Today was no exception. My anger throughout the lessons rose and I think on 4 occasions I really let rip. I'm a pretty big guy, and very loud, and I really did bellow. I know that this is not the answer, as it has little effect on the children other than to make them fall silent for 2-3 minutes. It also makes me feel very embarrassed, because loosing it in such a way is neither professional nor particularly mature. I slammed a door in one lesson. And yet I have no other way to deal with them. They simply do not respond to my constant requests. I may as well be speaking in Klingon. My previous experience in teaching in the UK was with degree level students, in an entirely different subject.
I know that my last binge was partly due to the massive frustrations that I feel at work, the hopelessness of it all and the bruising of my pride. I feel overworked, massively stressed, frustrated, and, most of all, I think I feel small. Small as in insignificant and ignored in class. That's my pride again. The problem is I love to teach.
I spoke to the head teacher at the end of the day, because I knew that she was aware of my behavior. I had to. I really cannot go on in this situation. I dread the morning when I have got to go to work. It's a constant 'fight' that I loose. I asked if I could have a small reduction in hours. I don't care about the drop in income. My happiness and sanity are worth so much more to me.
Thank you for listening, and being there for me.