Hi Live! Congratulations for getting on SSD. I know how difficult that is and how hard and triggering and even traumatizing the process can be. I also know how lifesaving being on Disability has been for me.
It is a complicated thing. Like you said, it's not a woohoo free money! It's about surviving and providing for ourselves when we can no longer do it in the ways available in our culture. I too would rather be able to work, have the self-esteem that goes along with that, but no one is going to hire someone who needs three days of recovery after two hours of work!
So I have had to learn, and continually remind myself that it is okay that I am on Disablitiy. That I tried my hardest to make it in a culture that doesn't have much room for me and wants to deny what my reality is. My disabilities all stem from severe childhood abuse and abandonment. I pushed myself all my life, used up every last bit of inner resources and finally came to the place where there was simply nothing left. It was go on Disability or die.
So I have to remind myself to be proud of all of my achievements, especially in the face of overwhelming odds. I have to remind myself that I am taking care of myself and providing for myself the best I can. I have to remind myself that it is okay to need, to ask for and to receive assistance.
There are many who would judge and I suppose that's okay, too. I hope they will learn compassion. For those who are jealous, who want to swap places or think I didn't "earn" it I tell them that if they want the "free" ride then they must also be jealous of and have MY life. They must pay in all the ways I paid, starting literally from conception.
I didn't ask to be disabled and I must do what I need to in order to survive. I give thanks for government benefits for without them I would be dead at least three times over. I do feel guilty at times and I just hope that I live a life that gives back in whatever ways possible.
I am blessed to have a couple of friends who remind me of my worth, remind me that worth is far more than what job you do and how much you earn. I do believe in that, that is my value system and that does help me. It is who we are, how we treat others, how much we care that are truly important. Just the fact that you want to heal yourself is actually a very precious thing on this planet right now. You are adding to the energy of healing and that is paramount.
I know I"ve rambled on a bit, I hope this all makes sense and is helpful. I was just discussing this very issue with a friend earlier today. I hope you can feel good about being able to receive the help you deserve.
Take care.
