Aw, crap.
This has been bugging me all day, so let me see if I can get it out of my system.
So this weekend was the motorcycle class. It started last night (classroom instruction), and I was happy to find that in our little class of 11, one of the guys regularly attends my AA home group. We were supposed to ride today. I say "supposed to" because AAAARRRRGHHHH my alarm clock did not wake me up in time and I overslept. As in, I woke up about an HOUR AND A HALF after the class started (no lateness allowed--that was stressed last night).
I was SOOOO angry with myself. I had trouble falling asleep last night (which is rare for me), and I even got up to go to the bathroom around 4 am and told myself I could sleep for at least another hour (alarm set for 5, class started at 6:45). When I woke up and it was light in the room, I knew I was screwed.
I had rearranged my whole weekend (rescheduling a couple of other things) to do this. I did call the agency that runs the course and they said they would put me on a waiting list (along with a couple of other people who did the same thing). Still, I wanted to get the course done before May 1, when I leave on my trip to Europe. I won't be here all weekend next weekend because of a business trip I have to leave for on Sunday.
I spent all day feeling like a screwup. It is like a "dry drunk" feeling--not that I wanted to drink, but it brings back the feelings of being a loser that I always had when I WAS drinking. My brain went into the "how do I fix this" mode--I went down to the DMV to get a motorcycle permit (pay five bucks and take a written test), but my GPS took me miles out of the way to the wrong town, and I got there too late to take the test (I can take it when they open Monday). My reasoning is that ONE or more of the bikers I know in AA could at least give me a little individual instruction even if I don't get to take the course before my trip. And, in fact, I did get hold of a guy--the S.O. of a former sponsor of mine--and he has agreed to take me out next Saturday for a ride.
Somehow, I just know I am trying too hard. I am trying to wrest back control over this situation, when I should just relax.
And oversleeping this morning scared me for another reason. I have this recurring fear that I will oversleep when I need to make a presentation for work, or that I will oversleep and miss my flight for one of my business trips. All day I felt like it was one of those dreams where you keep trying to do something, and everything goes wrong. LOL, no such luck.
Actually, I don't remember the last time I overslept and missed something important--probably haven't done that since I got sober. But today just brought back all those "I effed up again" feelings that were one of my main reasons for getting sober.
And I feel a little ridiculous that I am so overreacting to it. I also had told a few people what I was doing this weekend, and I feel like an idiot telling them why I didn't. Ugh.