I also wonder if I will ever be in a healthy relationship. The thought was becoming so overwhelming to me though, that I handed it over to my HP and try not to think about it too much anymore. I've got to remain on the day by day plan or I end up too focused on what is lacking in my life instead of being grateful for all I have.
I honestly thought my exabf was the perfect man for me, which says a lot about the depth of my problems as he emotionally abused me pretty much from the get-go. Obviously there is a part of me who liked his abuse and the cycle of breaking up/ making up. So I'm not sure I would even know how to deal with someone who actually respected me and was emotionally available. Sometimes I feel like a cat in the way they always want to be on your lap when you don't want them to be, but then when you try to smother them with love, they kind of panic and run away.
My attraction to the bad boy is so strong, that it's hard to see it easily changing. I'm attracted to anger, recklessness, and irresponsibility which for some very twisted reason, I equate with bravery and strength. What's further screwed up is that I then want to change these bad boys into good boys whom I wouldn't be attracted to anyway if I actually succeeded.
I can do the being in love thing very well, but I don't even know what true, enduring love between a man and a woman looks like. To me, men have always been like drugs and like any addict, I just need to stay away... Or does it sound like I should be dating?
