There is no shortage of drama inherent in this post and I'd like to make it very clear that I am not posting for drama's sake. Too, there are legal issues here and I don't want to romanticize the situation or glorify the choices that have been made. I'm writing for a number of reasons:
First, to remind anyone who thinks that after a few years of abstinance, that things will get better...that they won't.
Second, to share my journey through this and to hold myself accountable to someone. I've shared here that my recovery is growing through this and while that is true - I've also noted, more recently, that in addition to some of the most spiritual thoughts and emotional breakthroughs I've experienced, I've also had some of the most depraved thoughts that I have ever thought just under the surface. It seems growth is in balance - as the potential increases for what most would call 'good', it also increases for what most would call 'bad'. Typing this
to someone keeps me grounded.
Today is Wednesday. Sunday morning toward the end of my Saturday night shift my wife called me at work; there were people outside the house in her car. Rushing home, she texted that they had broken in the house. I got home to find her in the middle of a full blown drug induced psychosis. No one was in the house, nor had anyone been outside.
The episodes have continued.
Monday morning we took her to get an assessment, she had to return the next day at 7am. Monday evening she received a message ordering her to turn herself in the next morning at 8 am to the parole department for a dirty UA. The two locations are more than an hours distance from each other - she couldn't make both. She returned to the counselors on Tuesday morning; I dropped her off...then left so I was not a party to her not turning herself in if that's what she chose to do.
The fact is, as soon as they find her she's going back to prison for life, assuming she lives through this, unless she is in a treatment center when she makes the call. There will still be serious consequences of course, which very likely include some time behind bars, but it is unlikely to be life. I understand that there is no bed available now but that she is prioritized for one, that she is in a safe place and that she has a ride to the detox part of the treatment center when one does become available.
There is a really fine line here that we are walking and it may seem that we are being a bit cavalier with her life. She's facing life imprisonment and after twenty-four years inside, she would rather die than go back and so the risks at this moment seem justified. I haven't seen her for over 30 hours now and my tools for living in the moment instead of all thirty hours at once are faltering a bit.
Anyway, my focus is slipping and I'm not even sure what I'm saying any longer. I know I have to get ready and go to work in two hours for a twelve hour shift. Do me a favor please, find someone you love and give them a hug or call them and tell them you love them, would you? I'll take it personal.
