I am leaving to go out of town at 3:30 PM today. I keep having thoughts and cravings about drinking even after my lengthy post on Secular Connections earlier. I keep having these thoughts and they are gaining TRACTION. The Beast thoughts almost got traction just now that I COULD drink today and ‘get away with it’. That was VERTIGO. I cannot drink because: (I just had the craving thought that I can drink tonight, ‘JUST LIKE THE GOOD OLD TIMES’. This is SCARY…do ‘I’ really want to drink? Am I just going to let my Flesh-Nature Breast Brain slip this one in, LIKE I DID FEB 1st???? I need to FULLY re-visit what happened then…I don’t even want to admit the truth to myself !!! I drank that Tuesday, then again on Wed or Thu?, I don’t remember, but I do remember I had already started back in my addictive cycle, then I drank again Friday, thinking ‘I’ would only drink ONE half pint. That turned into TWO when ‘I’ became impaired after the 1st half pint and My Flesh-Nature Beast started getting the addiction fed, then it became THREE half pints, and I had to LIE, try to cover-up, I became guarded and crouching, and felt like a rat in a hole at dinner with the guys, and when I got home…Then the next day, when my boss called, started the l-o-n-g cycle and CO$T of that re-visit to drinking. NOW my Beast is churning, and clawing, scheming, and trying to convince me to drink. It is infusing it’s desire to drink with deep-rooted obscure thoughts and feelings of imagining self-indulgent lusts and deep dark perversions, enhanced with drinking as much as I want, doing its utmost to convince me to go along…that it would be fun, that it would ‘HELP ME’ to get this ‘intensely-good-feeling’ and RUN WITH IT…WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES - - - BU!!$HI+!!!!
I AM CALLING BU!!$HI+ - The risk of getting caught is not worth the self-indulgent pleasure. My Beast is telling me that it won’t interfere with my SOBRIETY. I must remember what happened leading up to Feb 1st. My addiction quickly got out of control…Even now, the secrecy of the 2 days drinking leading up to Feb 1st is being used as a tool of my Beast Thinking to keep me from contacting anyone about these thoughts of planning to drink. Would it be OK to drink and get away with it? Would I get away with it? If I did drink and get away with it, would that really be the ONLY time my Beast would present these CRAVINGS and SCHEMING? OF COURSE NOT. It only took THREE steps to ‘GOTCHA’ last time. Do I really want to go through a ‘GOTCHA’ again? Now?
I just got a text from Jackie, my wife, about a great time we had before we got married…Thank You God (or Life's circumstances for the Secular aspect) for reminding me that I do have a lot at stake. It is a VERY STRONG COMMITMENT I have made to SOBRIETY, and the reasons are well worth remembering.
BEAST…’I’ HAVE CHAINED YOU LIKE A DOG TO THAT STAKE I DROVE IN THE GROUND CALLED SOBRIETY. YOU are at the END OF THE CHAIN. I am honoring my COMMITMENT to MYSELF which remains my BIG PLAN for SOBRIETY and ABSTINENCE.
I WIN this time! I am VERY GRATEFUL to Sober Recovery Community for being here! RDBplus3
