ReadyandAble, you're right. My problem is not drinking but eating & purging. But when I think about it, I realise I don't enjoy it anymore.
- I eat when I'm not hungry : that's not pleasant at all, I don't enjoy food as much as I enjoy it when my body NEEDS to eat.
- Instead of savoring a normal meal, I stuff my belly with food until I am too full to eat more... That's not pleasure.
- I only "enjoy" the first 10 minutes of the binge... After, there is only despair, shame, misery, and pain, because my human brain is slowly "coming back"...
You're right. Waiting and postponing is just another trick from my Beast, and I've been its slave for too long. It's time to live, and even if I'm scared, I want to do it now. Today. And there's no coming back.
Hypocondriac, I have the book in my handbag... I'll read page 140 right now, thank you for the advise
GerandTwine, be sure I am scared ! But yes, I know now it's not ME who's scared but IT. And I just fu**** don't care !