Meeting with AH
Met with my AH on Thursday because he wanted to go over financial stuff with the mediator. He came in totally focused on the finances and asking questions and giving a deadline as to when he would like to see things taken care of. Not demanding per se, I told him I had some upcoming deadlines at work and could not guarantee that I could do things within the time frame. But it was all stuff he has gone over with me before. There really was nothing new. The mediator kept complimenting us on how respectful we have been to each other and that we are being very considerate and moral about everything. My AH says " I just don't want to fight anymore". And he wants to bump knuckles on this. I politely declined. I said that I appreciated the sentiment but bumping knuckles seemed like such an impersonal way to acknowledge any kind of truce or kindness towards each other. I just felt as though nothing has changed with him. I finally feel like I am moving forward and I am feeling the furthest away from him as I've ever felt and this time it is not him moving away but me leaving him behind. As we left the meeting I asked how he was doing physically because he has had several medical issues in the past year. He said he was doing great. "I'm not smoking and drinking as much"...
I have no reason to not believe him-I have not seen evidence of him drinking or not. Why can't I just take what he says at face value. Although historically I have reason to doubt him. I told him he did not have to tell me- because it feels like he is reporting to me. I don't want that role anymore. He said he told me because he was proud of himself. I said he should be proud and he should continue doing what he needs to to take care of himself. It felt like a good meeting. I said what I needed to without any conflict and I left feeling ok when for years I felt awful after our sessions with the therapist.
So now I am celebrating my birthday. It was fun. Got many messages and phone calls and cards. Except from him. How can you be married to someone for 33 years and then not even acknowledge a birthday? I will choose to focus on the good of the weekend and not the one forgotten greeting but it still hurts like hell.