I believe it was Friday that she picked up again. I had a part in that and I want to share it. I don’t expect everyone to agree with my actions but I’m not posting about it so that you all can co-sign my actions for me, just to share.
We took her car and dropped it off at a nearby mall on Thursday and Friday early morning in case her parole officer came by the house he would not know she was home. Remember, I’m trying to buy some time to get her into treatment; our meeting is for Tuesday the twelfth. I had to go to work on Saturday evening and she pointed out that the only reason she isn’t using is because I am babysitting – the moment I went to work on Saturday she would be out the door. I wish it wasn’t so, but I really couldn’t afford to not go in to work. Then she begged me to take her to her car. She had no money but of course that wouldn’t stop her. I know what she has done in order to get drugs in the past; I know what I’d be willing to do in my active addiction. I decided that it wasn’t so much a matter of what was right but more a matter of what I could live with.
Me: Why, hon? What do you want your car for?
Her: I just want my car.
Me: Look, I’m going to take you to your car. I know that you can walk out that door and walk to your car and there’s nothing I can do to stop you and so I’m going to take you to your car. But here’s the deal: I helped you get out of prison. We worked on the parole plan together. We dazzled the parole board together. If you die, I have to live with the fact that I helped you get into a position in which you could kill yourself. But I don’t want to get broadsided again; I need to know what’s going on.
So here it is. I’ll take you to your car and give you x dollars. I’ll give you x dollars on Saturday and again on Sunday and Monday. You go with me to the bank right now and sign over control of everything to me. You give me your credit and debit cards. Tuesday, we make the meeting and you go into treatment.
She agreed and has been out there scoring and then coming home to do it. These may be the last days I ever get to spend with her because there is a very good chance that treatment won’t take and/or she spends the rest of her life in prison. And so, I’m trying to keep her as comfortable as possible until the twelfth and enjoy her company.
Fact is, before I knew she was using, I enjoyed every moment we spent together… I only don’t enjoy it now if I refuse to allow myself to – if I let this one piece of new information, damning though it is, to interfere. Too, I don’t know where the line is between enabling and control but I do know that our money is her money too. I have no right to keep it from her unless she agrees. It is her car – I have no right to keep that from her unless she agrees. Anyway, it’s a tough spot and I’ve had to make some tough decisions – I don’t know if there is a right or wrong here but, as I said, I’m doing what I can live with.
We are leaving in about 15 hours to head out of town toward the meeting we have on Tuesday. I’m going to try and get it bumped to Monday – one look at her and her counselor will do whatever she can to make the addiction team step up and act on Monday – if not, we are out of the reach of anyone looking for her until Tuesday morning when they can see her.
While I’ll be checking in today whenever I can – the last thing I’ll be doing before I leave tomorrow morning is to check this thread, to read what’s new and to see who’s coming with me in spirit. You folks have been a source of great strength – the brightest spot imaginable and I know that I’ve said it before but I can’t overstate how grateful I am for you all.