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Old 03-10-2013, 11:23 AM
  # 110 (permalink)  
jkb
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 821
So, after a strange evening in my head last night... here I am. I was very content yesterday in my plan to go home, relax and watch a movie. No big deal... right? 5 0'clock gets there and my mind is going insane. Thoughts of why I quit drinking. Now one of my main motivators to quit drinking was the dreaded hangovers so I think about those but, cant remember a hangover. Then I test myself with thoughts of drinking to see if this is just beast? Can't really remember "feeling drunk". So...

I move on to taking a bath and all I can think is what the hell... I cant remember anything.. good or bad in regards to years of my drinking. I tried pulling up specific horrible morning after moments and although I could remember what happened I could no longer remember the hell I was feeling in that moment. So I tried happy drunk moments and could remember the events but not the "happy".

So, on to making dinner and at this point now I am confused. Then the thought comes: "You never really had that bad of a problem with drinking. Sure when you were younger you had issues... but, in the past few years it has only been a few bad decisions here and there. No Big Deal".

Right now I am still trying to be very leery of my thoughts and of beast activity. I know it may sound strange because I know the beast is a part of me however, I feel as if my beast is planning a sneak attack... Because after all these "strange thoughts" I sat down and watched the movie. I never had to fight the urge to drink. I decided "well if I didn't have a problem ok alcohol isnt healthy in the quantities I consumed and I dont want to try and most likely fail at moderation...AGAIN.. so I am not going to buy alcohol."
That was that.

So, I dont know what the point of this is... I guess the memories are kind-of fading but, I wish they would stay around so I could remember how bad it was. Like when someone dies and you realize you cant remember the sound of thier voice.
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